Super Bowser 64

By: C. Mechayoshi

The Cake is a lie (Chapter 1)

Created: 3/29/17

Disclaimer: Mario and co. belong to Nintendo.

Summary: A strange accident sends Bowser into an alternate dimension where he relives the events of Super Mario 64. From Mario's perspective!

Author note: Just a cool idea I had. I hope it hasn't been done before. Cover art: by me (SEE BOTTOM NOTE)

"Peace Keeping Campaign Successful!"

King Bowser was flying home from a political meeting at Sky Land, and he figured he'd update his blog for Dark Land dot gov.

The sky was blue, weather was warm, and the future looked bright for the King. He was going to make amendments with nearby Kingdoms that weren't on friendly terms (so basically all of them). And he'd play nice whether they liked it or not! Of course, this was just to impress Princess Peach. If he could get on her good side, he'd be invited to more parties and get-togethers. His goal was the Mushroom Ball. It was a stretch, but if he could get on good terms with all of the nearby Kingdoms, Peach would be sure to notice. And if he made it to the ball? Well...the Koopa King certainly had some interesting things planed.

(Un)fortunately though, since these Kingdoms had been harassed by Bowser in the past (and they had common sense), the forgiveness process was taking a while. Still, you catch more Fly Guys with Honey Syrup than a Thunder Rage.

"Citizen approval rose from -40% to -30%," he continued to type. Suddenly, his Airship jolted.

"Hey!" Bowser called up front. "What's going on?!"

BEEP BEEP BEEP

The Airship's automatic warning sounds went off, indicating a drop in air pressure.

Bowser ran to the pilot compartment. The Bandit pilot continued to fly forward, captivated by the red glowing space abnormality. Bowser's jaw dropped.

It was a black hole!

"Divert! What's the hold up?" Bowser commanded.

The pilot blinked rapidly as he broke out of the daze. "Sir! A black hole, sir!"

"Duh?! Get us out of here!"

"Get us out? We must abandon, sir!"

The ship began to violently shake. The pilots hand hovered over the eject button.

"Don't you dare," Bowser warned, "I have something very valuable on this ship. Save us!"

"Sorry, sir. You do not pay me enough for this."

"What?-"

Floosh!

The pilots seat sprung into the air, taking away the top glass with it. The wind created a whirlwind inside the cabin and Bowser grabbed a rail for support.

"Dirty traitor!" Bowser yelled, though his voice was lost in the wind noise.

Bowser plopped down in the second chair. Ignoring his lightheadedness, he grabbed the controls and attempted to pull the airship back. The cabin creaked and cracked under pressure. The ship was being sucked in and the thrusters couldn't fight it. Bowser scrambled for the radio.

"Mayday! Mayday! This is Bowser. S.O.S! Whatever- help!" The radio slipped from his claws.

"PRESS START TO PLAY" droned loudly as Bowser started to pass out.

This was it. Trapped by a trap that he had in the past used for world domination. Bowser figured one of his own designs might kill him one day, but he had always bet on it be lava or giant spikes, not random black holes tearing holes in the universe. Then he thought about his friends and family. Would his heir, Bowser Junior rule the kingdom right? Would his political relationships be better? What about Peach and friends? Would someone else kidnap her? Would Mario move on to another rival? Lastly, the special gift he had stowed away on the ship. It would never be delivered.

The last thing he saw was a strange checkerboard pattern all across the visor as his world went black.

The magnificent Peach's Castle was a landmark in the Mushroom Kingdom. Situated on a private acre of land with a freshwater lake, the three storied building housed the Princess and her loyal servants. Lakitu was illegally filming the castle, hoping to capture something embarrassing that he could share on Facebook, but the place seemed deserted and eerily quiet. Then he heard the sound of a warp pipe appearing. Lakitu hid behind a tree.

Bowser was forcefully ejected from a giant warp pipe. He flailed in the air until he landed face first on the sanely ground.

"Yow! What the-"

This was it! He could film Bowser embarrassing himself instead!

A message popped up in Bowser's face.

"Ciao! This is NOT Dimentio, but this is Peach's Castle. Your sorry self got here by a warp pipe, silly! Press these buttons to do stuff. Okay? See ya!"

"What buttons? Dimentio? You sorry sucker...wait. Where am I?"

The text box went away as Lakitu showed his face.

"Hey Bowser," Lakitu greeted. "We're uh...the Lakitu Bros, making a documentary about the place and.."

"Hold it, hold it. How did I get to Peach's Place?"

"Uh, she baked you a cake," Lakitu lied. "Yeah, an invitation. So do you agree to have me follow you or not?"

"Follow me?"

"Yeah. I'll give you extra camera angles and stuff for free, but I must follow you everywhere! You can press 'C' or go into the start menu to switch them by the way."

"There y'all go again with the the buttons and menus and whatnot! Whatever, follow if you want. I'm going inside."

Bowser entered through the front door. Right as he was greeting to the front room, another message popped up.

"Welcome. I mean, you're not welcome. Go home! To one is here. Gwa haha!" A deep laugh echoed.

"Weird," Bowser said, "It's like I've heard that before. Hm...oh well. Probably a coincidence. Hey Princess! Uh, what's his name? Toad? Mario! Somebody?"

A Toad standing near the left most door whimpered.

"Bout time I found somebody. Thought I was in Twilight Town for a moment! What's up?"

"Am I glad to see you!" the Toad blurted out, "The Princess...and I...and, well, everybody...we're all trapped inside the castle walls. Bowser has stolen... wait. You are Bowser!"

"What? I am? I had no idea..." Bowser said annoyingly.

"Well, the castle's Stars, and he's using their power to create his own world in the paintings and walls. Please recover the Power Stars! As you find them, you can use their power to open the doors that Bowser has sealed. There are four rooms on the first floor. Start in the one with the painting of Bob-omb inside-"

"Hold on. Are you a tour guide or something? Who is this other Bowser?"

"I don't know?! I just know that you need to SAVE US!" The Toad went transparent again.

"I suggest you enter the door with the star symbol," Lakitu whispered.

"Who told you to speak?"

"I'm just suggesting what's good for the ratings. I can't film you doing nothing. Besides, like Toad boy said, these doors have a weird lock on them. We're going to need stars to get anywhere."

Bowser groaned, but complied to his 'cameraman's' suggestion. He was greeted to a oddly familiar painting of Bob-ombs marching.

"Hmm. Wonder who the Princess's new decorator is? This is horribly empty! And no furniture?-"

"Hop inside already," Lakitu whispered.

"Alright. I do need to get to the home, and looks like this stupid star scavenger hunt is my only option. I had better get a nice paycheck from that documentary too!" Bowser stepped back to get a running start.

"Well...Here goes nothing!"

Bowser made a dash into the painting as the evil laugh echoed again.

To be continued...

Author note: Hope this turned out well. This will be a series, but a shorter one than Mario and Bowser: Frenemies Forever, obviously. The focus will be humor and parody here, so don't expect relationship drama and what not.

NEW NOTE: As of 9/17/20 I am picking this story back up again. As it's been a while and I've came some way the writing won't be consistent up to the later chapters. I apologize for that so if I come around to rewriting anything I'll edit again to make note of that. Just look at the production dates to see the big picture.

Super Bowser 64

Bob-omb Battle-Fail (Chapter 2)

Created: 4/3/17

Disclaimer: Mario and Co. belong to Nintendo.

Content warning: Mild references

Author note: For the sake of this story Bowser will obviously not do every star mission but you can count on him visiting every level at least once. Enjoy!

DuhDuhDuh-DuhDuh-Duh!

Big Bob-omb on the Summit Go!

Bowser dropped down on the battle field. The sky was blue and the air warm, but all was not well. Bomb sentries marched in the grasslands, a rabid Chain-Chomp guarded the bridge, and giant bowling balls rolled down the mountain, ready to crush any intruder.

"Wow! You're smack in the middle of the battlefield!" The text box said.

"Okay?" Bowser questioned.

"You'll find the Power Stars that Bowser stole inside the painting worlds. First talk to the Bob-omb buddy. (Press B to talk.) He'll certainly help you out, and so will his comrades in other areas."

"Okay, again? Why am I being told I stole something every minute?"

"Because, maybe you did," Lakitu teased.

Bowser huffed. "If I really stole something, I would want the credit for it. I swear to Eldstar that I just got here! And I didn't do nothing!"

"Hey you!" A pink Bob-omb called out to Bowser. "I am looking for an honest comrade!"

"Well it ain't me! I'm a professional villain, you see? Also, why are you pink?"

The bomb sighed. "We'll take you anyway, we're that desperate. All of the black bombs are trouble!"

"Racist.." Bowser replied.

The pink bomb rolled his eyes. "Uh, no. I mean, they are evil and want to fight and blow up the world. Us Bob-omb Buddies are the last peaceful bombs left! You must end this war!"

"Alright, alright. What's up with this cannon here?"

"It's under the control of the Big Bob-omb. If you defeat him at the top of the mountain, we will take control again. By the way, the reward will be a star."

"Now we're talking! Why didn't you say so? Say, what do you hippies want a cannon for anyway? You're pacifists right?"

"Ah!" the Bob-omb Buddy exclaimed, "You are right. We would never fire ammunition at someone. We would however fire YOU out of it!"

"What?!"

"Go! Go! Hurry!" the bomb nudged Bowser forward.

Up ahead was the path leading to the middle part of the stage. Black Bob-ombs marched in the dirt path to the left and a mysterious red box outline was to the right. Bowser spotted Goombas on patrol. This was great news, he thought. He could definitely count on his own lackeys to fill him in on the madness.

"Hey you!"

The Goomba noticed Bowser. "You talking to me, punk?"

"Watch your language, soldier! Tell me your rank and position, now!"

"I don't take orders from you! I only serve Bowser!"

"Booowwsseerr!" the second Goomba screamed from behind.

"What the-? I AM Bowser you morons! Is this a joke?"

"No! You are a joke! Charrrggeee!" The Goombas stampeded Bowser, knocking him backwards. Two points were taken from his life meter.

"Back off!" Bowser shoved the Goombas way. They disappeared in a smoke and left two coins. "Did...did I just defeat my own minions?! What a waste!"

"Yes! Just like that! YEESSS!" The Bob-omb buddy nearest to the cannon shouted, jumping in excitement. "Two down, twenty or so more to go!"

"These 'peace lovin' pink Bob-ombs sure love violence, don't they?" Bowser whispered to Lakitu. Lakitu was frozen in shock. He didn't think he'd be making a 'snuff' film! This footage could not be leaked to TMKMZ anymore, he had prime evidence on his hands now! He'd have to find a way out, maybe...Yes! If he could just sneak the lens cap back on without Bowser noticing...

"Hello? Earth to Lakitu? I'm not on 'fixed camera' am I? Get over here!" Bowser called to Lakitu, who hadn't moved. Bowser was now at the sign post in front of the Chain Chomp. Lakitu made it to him just as the Chain Chomp tacked Bowser. He flew back against the railing and lost three more units of health.

"Yow! Why am I getting knocked around so much?!" Bowser got up, feeling sore.

"Because...maybe these painting worlds have something up?" Lakitu said, discreetly digging around in his pockets for his lens cap.

"You might be right, goggles. I really don't feel myself. Heck, this is something Mario should be doing!"

"Um hm," Lakitu mumbled. He couldn't find that cap anywhere! "Well if we get enough stars to get to the upper castle rooms-"

"Yeah, yeah. We can straighten things out with the Princess or whatever. And tell her to hire a redecorator! What are you trying to find anyway?"

"N-nothing! Uh, lets go."

Bowser went the direction opposite to the Chain-Chomp, towards the field.

"Bowser, where are you going?"

"I see a Koopa over there. Maybe I can talk some sense into him." A water bomb went off next to Bowser, splashing him. "What the-?" He saw another one approaching from above. Bowser dodged into the flower bed, flatting most of the flowers in the process.

"Heh. Those hippie pink Bob-omb must have planted these. Yeah, only they would- hey what's happening?"

Bowser (and Lakitu) were teleported to a flower bed on the opposite side of the field.

"Whoa!" they both said. A bomb-omb sentry went off.

"Get him!" the black Bob-omb called. He lit his fuse and made way for Bowser. Bowser was prepared this time, and picked the sizzling creature up before it touched him. Bowser wasted no time interrogating it.

"What's your deal, little brat? Who is your leader? What does he want? Why does everyone know and not know me at the same time? And why-"

Boom!

The bomb went off on Bowser, making him lose another health point.

"Bowser!" Lakitu warned, "You'd better watch your health. No telling what might happen to you (or me) if you lose it all!"

"Alright. Hyper speed, go!" Bowser made a dash towards the gate entrance to the mountain, dodging the bob-omb sentries and water bomb barrage. He stopped at a deep bit containing two giant rolling bowling balls.

"Wow! Didn't know I had that ability! But this looks dangerous. I'm going this way." Bowser pointed to a steep incline off the side with a red coin at the top of it.

"Up there?!" Lakitu exclaimed. "Well, whatever makes good television..."

Bowser did his hyper speed thing again, up the hill. When he collected the red coin, he gained two points back. As got up, a bowling ball sped past him.

"Gah! More of them! And here's another!" Bowser stepped aside. "No way I can dodge all of those on that narrow path! Hm..." After waiting for the next ball to pass, Bowser stepped up to the dirt wall. He reached out a claw to grab the rocky surface. Then another. The he tried to grip with his toes.

"Bowser..uh..."

"Shut it, I'm trying to do something here. Well well, I knew those rock climbing lessons Junior dragged me to might come in handy. Wall climb, go!"

Bowser climbed the wall as Lakitu nervously ascended on his cloud to catch the action. He never found the lens cap and couldn't stop the recording without notice. He'd just have to hope no one else died anytime soon. Bowser scaled the mountain in impressive time, but what was waiting at the top?

Meanwhile, at the start point...

"Hey, you see him? Or has he gotten taken out like the others?"

"Oh I see him! He's...climbing the mountain! How genius! He is the one!"

"What? No way, let me see." The Bob-omb Buddy shoved the other aside to get a good look in the binoculars. "My goodness, he is a smart fellow. Remember how everyone else got crushed by the bowling balls, assuming they survived to reach the mountain?"

"How could I forget?" The other bomb said, squinting at the mountain, "Although, I must admit I don't miss most of them. Remember that weird tall purple plumber guy, called Wal-something?"

"Ugh, him! And remember that really hairy ape with the neck tie? He wouldn't shut up about his banana hoard!"

"Ha! Or- or that British mushroom guy with glasses and a mustache? He was all like 'Oh dear me! How did I get in this world?' and got defeated by the first goomba?"

"Oh yeah, haha!" The bomb-omb buddies laughed at the memories...

Back on the mountain...

"Just a little more, Bowser. We're near the top and- Ack! Who are you?!" Lakitu screamed. The shock made Bowser lose his grip and he fell!...

...However, there was a small ledge near the top so he only fell two feet or so.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!'' Bowser continued to scream.

"Bowser! You aren't falling anymore."

"Oh. Heh heh, I knew that!"

"And look up."

Bowser looked up to see the Big Bob-omb himself. He was seven feet tall, with a magnificent white mustache and a golden crown.

"Pick yourself up, fellow!" The bomb said in a booming but cordial baritone.

"You! Who ever you are..." Bowser challenged, lifting himself up to stand level with the King.

"I'm the Big Bob-omb, baron of all blasting matter, king of ka-booms the world over! How dare you scale my mountain? By what right do you set foot on my imperial mountaintop? You may have eluded my guards, but-"

"Is there a bathroom up here?" Lakitu interrupted.

"What? No...Listen. You will never take my Power Star, you hear? And if you want to try, you must prove yourself in battle."

"Right ahead of ya!" Bowser said, charging the King. He instead, grabbed Bowser and tossed him across the mountain top.

"Oof!"

"To best me, gentleman, you must hurl ME! And try not to die please, ha ha!" King Bob-omb laughed good naturedly. Bowser got up and growled. He activated "hyper speed" to run around the King but he seemed to be able to spin to face him just as quick. Bowser stopped and attempted the other direction. He finally got an opening for his rear side.

"Ugh, does the narration have to word it like that? Anyway, take this old man!" Bowser picked up the King toss him as hard as he could. The bomb landed with a loud thud and smoke emitted from him as the King panicked.

"Whaaa...Whaaat? Can it be that a pipsqueak like you has defused the Bob-omb King? You might be fast enough to ground me, but you'll have to pick up the pace if you want to take King Bowser by the tail. Farewell!"

"I am BOWSER!" Bowser shouted in frustration. It went on deaf ears as the King materialized into a star!

"That's it! Grab it!" Lakitu said.

"Yes! Thanks to you, that big Bomb-omb is a big thud now!" The bomb-omb buddy said.

"Who are you, and how did you get up here that fast?"

The bomb-omb buddy casually walked near the star. "Oh, I was stationed on the mountain whole time, but I'll be sure to tell my comrades. I was getting tired of watching the carnage and the failures of those before you."

Bowser scratched his head. "Those before me? Who?"

"Many failed heroes you see. But it's okay, because to make it here means that you are the chosen one!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Let's just get the star and leave. It's getting weirder by the second," Lakitu whispered. Bowser nodded. He was sure to get all of his questions answered once he reached Peach upstairs...right?

To be continued.

Fun facts:

-Bowser's abilities so far is "Hyper speed" a move from SM64 actually, where in the boss fight bowser dashes all of a sudden. "Wall climb" is designed to be a foil of Mario's "Wall kick". Yes, Bowser will get more powers and they will all be different than Mario's.

-In Mario Party 1, Wario's Battle Canyon reuses the same story as Bob-omb battlefield. Only they make it more dark and serious for some reason. To be honest, in SM64 the "war" is barely an issue aside from the first star mission. Also I never understood why Bob-omb buddies are in other levels. Is the war going on in all of the paintings?

Super Bowser 64

Chump's Fortress (Chapter 3)

Created: 4/11 - 4/22/17

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario and co.

Content warnings: randomness ahead!

Author note: long development time was just me focusing in Mario and Bowser: Frenemies Forever. Anyway, enjoy!

Bowser and Lakitu hopped out of the Bob-omb Battlefield painting earning a congratulatory chime and message.

"Wow! One star already and we haven't game overed yet. Impressive," Lakitu said amusingly.

"Well of course that's the case, goggles. I AM King Bowser," Bowser said as they moved into the main room and mezzanine again. "Say, what do you think about what people are saying?"

"Saying like what?"

Bowser stomped his feet. "Pay attention! They're saying that I stole the power stars! I mean, I know I might have done so way back but-"

"Might?"

"Well yeah... I've had a lot of plans you see, an most of them start with 'kidnap princess'! So anyway, I might have gotten a little more creative once or twice. You know, trapping people in paintings? Of course, it still involved kidnapping a princess though. Still, I don't get it. That was ages ago when I tried that!"

"Hmm. Maybe you're in a parallel dimension?" Lakitu asked. Bowser looked at him as if he'd said the most ridiculous thing ever.

"-Yay! You've recovered a star already!" Toad said, surprising Bowser.

"Umm. Were you just standing there the whole time?"

"Yeah. Bowser's influence over the castle prevents me from moving from this spot. Also I turn invisible for some reason. But enough about my torment, you have a star!"

"I sure do, Captain Obvious. You gonna tell us where to go or not?!"

"Oh, you can now enter the door that requires one star! Hurry now, I'm disappearing again!" The Toad said as they faded way.

Bowser looked around. "Thanks...I guess. So the number on the doors tell us how many stars we need? Tell me about a stupid lock!"

Bowser and Lakitu entered the door on the other side of the lobby. Once inside, they were greeted to a gold trimmed painting of a tower on top of a mountain of sorts.

"More mountains? My Super Climb will be OP here," Bowser whispered.

"So that's what you're calling it now?"

Bowser glared. "When I get Peach's cake, you ain't getting any!" He jumped in.

Mission One: Chip off Whomp's Block

Bowser dropped into a grassy area. Whomp's Fortress was just that, a fortress. In fact, there wasn't much else. Only the grassy area he landed in wasn't part of the fortress. Despite the grandiose structure, Bowser looked around with mild disappointment.

"Well, it's way smaller in real life, that's for sure!"

"At least I see no warfare and bloodshed," Lakitu said, relieved.

Bowser ignored the nearby sleeping Piranha Plant walked up the inclining path leading to the Thwomps. Lakitu gave him a worried look.

"Don't get yer cloud in a bunch! I know these guys aren't working for my army, but it's not like they can move over here and attack me. Hey!" Bowser called out, "What's up? Where's your spikes?

"All hail the rock people!" the Thwomp said.

"What?" Bowser asked.

"Is every enemy we meet gonna be militant about something?" Lakitu whispered.

"That's painting world logic for you. Oh look, another lazy Piranha Plant," Bowser said pointing to a plant near the wall. "What's with them? And what's that noise?"

"Sounds like a lullaby, Bowser. You- hey Bowser?"

"Zzzz!"

"Bowser, wake up!"

Lakitu panicked, he couldn't continue on without Bowser. What to do? Then Lakitu noticed a small radio near the Piranha Plant. Moving closer, it was clear the prerecorded lullaby music came from it.

Lakitu chucked to himself. "All I have to do is change the station. Let's see...wonder what's on radio WMUSH ROCK?"

He turned the knob and Slayer started blasting out of the radio. Bowser and the plant awoke instantly. Bowser covered his ears as the Piranha plant flailed around, the music hurting it apparently.

"What is this growling music?!" Bowser screamed over the guitars.

"Ahhg! It's Slayer but it's soooo loud and thought they only played radio rock, not metal!" Lakitu screamed back.

"Cut it up!" the Thwomp said, "Us rock people love the squealing guitars! And metal! And Slayer! And also Metallica!"

A record scratching noise played and everything got silent.

"...Dude, seriously?" Bowser asked.

"Why do you wonder, non-rock person? Their recent album was decently pleasing!"

"Eh, yeah he's right. It had some good songs on it," Lakitu said.

Bowser turned to him. "You like metal?"

Lakitu looked around nervously. "I'm a closeted fan. Okay? And why did the music die?"

Bowser looked back. The Piranha plant died and landed on the radio, breaking it. Bowser shrugged. "We'll never mention this again, okay?"

"Agreed."

Soon they made it to the grey segmented collapsing bridge.

"Hold on," Lakitu warned, "this bridge might collapse under your weight!"

"You calling me fat?!" Bowser huffed. He put one toe on the first piece and it fell to the ground.

"Told ya," Lakitu said, crossing his arms.

"Shut up!" Bowser decided to use his hyper speed to cross the bridge.

Zoom! Each piece fell behind him but he made it across safe.

"Hopefully Whomp's Fortress has tax payers!" Bowser said, making it to the bridge that rotates and getting on.

"Unlike your kingdom?"

Bowser turned around to glare. "Shut up again! Be a silent camera guy, will ya?"

"Fine."

Bam!

Bowser got smacked in the face by the floating triangle thing, almost falling off. He stumbled backwards but grabbed the edge of the bridge, saving himself.

"Owww, why didn't you warn me?"

Lakitu kelp silent and did a 'lips are zipped' motion with his hand.

"Oh right...dang..." Bowser groaned.

"Halt right there, non-rock person!" a patolling Whomp called to them.

"Now what? Ow, think I broke a claw!"

"Pledge your allegance to the Whomp King, or you shall be flattened!"

"I'd like to see you try, ya brick!"

Bowser and the Whomp marched to each other confrontationally , getting all up in each other's faces.

"Back off, non-rock loser!" Whomp barked.

"You back off!" Bowser growled.

"You!"

"You!"

"Something interesting gonna happen?" Lakitu complained.

"Gah!" Bowser grunted as he pushed the Whomp away. Being top heavy, the Whomp swayed back and forth, trying to regain balance when it finally fell face first to the ground, revealing a huge bandaid in a cross pattern.

"Ha ha! Looks like someone already lost a fight!" Bowser teased.

"Aahhh! My weak area!" Whomp mumbled.

"That gives me an idea," Bowser said. "Bowser bomb!"

Bowser flew high in the air and landed tail first on the x spot.

Boom! The Whomp exploded into five coins.

"Grrr! How dare you hurt one of my minions! Face me like a rock-man!" a deep voice said from above.

"A rock man?" Bowser asked. "Don't know about that, but I got a metal man. Ain't that right, Lakitu?"

"Uh, WHAT?!" Lakitu gasped.

"Yeah," Bowser said, pointing to him,"he likes uh, what's it called? Metalzilla?"

"Metallica!" Lakitu corrected. "I mean, oops!"

"ME TOO!" the voice boomed. "Come on up and join me, brethren!"

Bowser looked back at Lakitu mischievously. "Okay." He boarded the checked platforms to the top where the Whomp King awaited them. The titular king towered over Bowser, but was otherwise a normal looking Whomp.

"Greetings! I would punish you for being non-rock person and walking all over us rock-people like I have many other failed heroes, but since you are metal fan, you will live and we can discuss music and metal life together. Rock on! \m/."

"Okay?" Bowser rolled his eyes. Metal was just noise to him. None of his kids really like it either though Larry and Roy were into some stuff that kind of sounded like it. Larry always insisted it was 'screamo', and Roy 'post-hardcore', which is 'totally different from metal, dad! Gosh!' Anyway, despite his dark and grim aesthetic, Bowser was always a jazz kind of guy.

Meanwhile as Lakitu filmed he had to fight the urge to speak up about his love of Metallica.

"Yes," Whomp King continued, "their latest album was my favorite since 'St. Anger', which is their best by the way."

Lakitu was baffled. How was THAT one his favorite, he wondered.

"Yeah. Why can't all of the albums have that snare sound? It was wonderful, do you not agree non-rock person?" Whomp King asked.

"Sure, whatever," Bowser muttered impatiently, "Where's the star? We gotta chip off your block or somethin', right?"

"Ha ha ha! You're a funny non-rock person! Let us discuss 'Load', the third best album!"

"Nooo!" Lakitu yelled. "How can you like that more than 'Master of Puppets'? Are you a true fan or not?"

"Lol. Metal nerd fight!" Bowser said. "Look, we don't need this music talk. We're looking for stars, k buddy?"

The Whomp King frowned. "Enough! Clearly you are just like all the other non-rock people who use us to build your houses, your castles, pave your roads, and you just walk all over us! All of you should be crushed! All of you!" Now he was fuming.

Bowser took a step back from the tall king. "How'd we escalate to this?"

"Blah blah, non-rock person! Now I think I'll crush you just for fun! Ha ha ha! Do you have a problem with that? Just try to pound me, wimp! Ha!"

Whomp King hurled himself to the ground towards Bowser. Bowser in a panic Bowser Bombed (jumped) which made him phase though the Whomp King's body and ground pound the back of him.

Lakitu gawked. "OMG, Bowser, was that a glitch? You discovered a glitch! And I got on camera!"

"Nooo! Crushed by a non-rock and non-metal person! But I won't gravel, er, grovel.. Basically there's other genres out there and they're okay too I guess..." Whomp King said in a muffle. He then exploded into a star!

"That's what you get for liking 'St. Anger'!" Lakitu shouted. He immediately covered his mouth embarrassment.

Bowser looked at him crazy. "Didn't you hear what he said about- wait. Why do I even care? Let's get out of here!"

Bowser grabbed the star and the victory chime played. Soon he was sent right back out of the painting with another easy victory, but little did he know of the dangers ahead...

To be continued.

-New move: Bowser Bomb, which again is a real move Bowser can do in Smash Bros at least.

-SM64:DS redesigned the thwomps from their blue smooth look to their modern look and as we all know, they don't hurt you in 3D Mario games. The strange thing is that modern thwomps have spikes. All I'm saying is, it might confuse someone.

-No insult to Metallica fans out there. I think they're fine. Not my favorite, but good.

Super Bowser 64

Jolly Loser Bay (Chapter 4)

Completed: from a while ago to 6/12/17

Disclaimer: Mario and Co (and Bowser of course) belong to Nintendo

Author note: I've had this on hold for a while, this will be a quick update. Be sure to read the bottom note.

"Woohoo! Another Power Star!" Toad cheered as Bowser and Lakitu exited the door leading to Whomp's Fortress.

Bowser tapped his foot impatiently. "Yeah, yeah, where to next?"

"Jolly Rodger Bay, good sir! Home of the deadly and mysterious sunken ship and the dreaded man eating-"

"Sounds like a fun vacation hotspot!" Lakitu interrupted.

Bowser turned towards him. "I know, right? Finally something we can agree on!"

"Umm, guys?" Toad asked, glancing at his watch.

"Va-ca-tion! Va-ca-tion!" Lakitu cheered.

"Fine, you two can get eaten for all I-"

"What?" Bowser asked, cupping his hand to his ear. "Can't hear ya fungus face. Not over me planning my much needed vacation!" Bowser and Lakitu high-fived and left Toad behind.

Inside the lower door to the far right, marked with a three star symbol, Bowser was greeted to a serene sight. The darkly lit room had two massive fish tanks taking up the entire walls and in the center, a painting depicting a watery scene.

"Ooh," Lakitu gawked, "This must be one of the really fancy ones. You know, a relaxation spa place!"

Bowser grinned mischievously. "You think so? Well, no playing that Metallica stuff while I'm relaxing!"

"You will never let me live that down, will you?" Lakitu groaned. "You'd better hope I don't find dirt on you. I do film your every move."

"Ha ha! Dream on!"

Mission one: Plunder in the Sunken Ship

Bowser dropped down on the misty shore of Jolly Roger Bay. Aside from the small sandy land mass he stood on, the rest of the level was almost completely comprised of clear water. Bowser did a cannonball. The cool water felt good to swim in, especially since Bowser's joints were starting to hurt a bit from so much activity in one day. Bowser noticed some clams at the bottom of the shallow part of the sea. When they opened their mouths, shiny red coins appeared.

"Mmm mm mm mm! (Free money!)" Bowser said, not opening his mouth out of fear of drowning.

"Mm mm mm?! (What are you thinking?!)" Lakitu replied.

Bowser went for it anyway and got snapped by the clam, as he couldn't get away in time after retrieving the coin. Bowser lost some of his health from this and was now about to drown. In a panic Bowser swam back to the surface with as much grace as you'd imagine.

"That was close! Who knew swimming took your health?!" Bowser climbed on to the small sandy area with a larger stone platform on it.

"Greetings, Bowser!" the Bob-omb Buddy on top said. "Let me prepare this cannon for you!"

Bowser thought for a moment. "Really now? I think I'm supposed to be plundering some ship and I don't think I'm gonna find it in the sky. Say, you seen a sunken ship around here? The water's kind of shallow for that.."

The Bomb chucked. "The ship is down there!" He motioned towards the other side of the platform. Bowser climbed up to his level and looked down. The water here went so deep he couldn't see the bottom.

"WHAT?!" Bowser and Lakitu gasped.

"Oh, and watch for the deadly Eel!" the Bob-omb buddy added.

Bowser crossed his arms. "You'd think that fungus face back at the castle would have warned us that this wasn't a vacation hotspot after all! Well, here goes nothing!"

Bowser cannonballed into the water again, swimming deeper and deeper into increasingly dark water. As he swam, he noticed two caves going off to the sides and the rotting wooden ship below. Bowser picked up some coins to gain health and swam along the sides looking for an opening. Finally he swam over the ship again to see a furious beast. Unagi the Eel!

"Mm mmm mmmmm mmm mm mmm mm! (Tons of curse words)" Lakitu exclaimed.

It was too late, Bowser inadvertently crossed its path due to a bad camera angle, and the giant eels razor sharp teeth got inches way from the Koopa King.

"Ahhck!" Bowser gasped in a panic, swallowing water as well. Unagi slowly emerged from the window he rested in as Bowser swam way, but realizing that he guarded the only way inside the ship, Bowser came up with a quick plan.

"Mmmmm m mm m! (We're gonna double back on him!)" Bowser said.

"Mmm?! (More cursing)" Lakitu replied as they swam for their lives with the eel right behind them.

"Mm m mm m m (This is our chance!)!" Bowser said as he circled around and made a dash for the opening. Unagi, realizing what they were doing, made a sharp turn to try to intercept them. Unagi opened his mouth wide, wide enough to swallow even Bowser whole. Bowser was a few feet from the hole and ducked through, narrowly missing being devoured.

Instantly they were transported to the inside of ship. Sand was at the bottom, having settled there for years, with four chests down there also. On the other side of the room was a slope that lead up to an air pocket. Bowser wasted no time swimming to it as he only had two health left.

Bowser emerged with a big gasp for air. "What the heck was that?!"

Lakitu came up. "I know, right? … Oh, and good thing my camera's water proof."

Bowser rolled his eyes. "You need to get your priorities straight. Anyway, I saw four whole treasure chests down there. All we gotta do now is plunder!"

Bowser swam down and went to the closest chest. Before he could try the lock, he was zapped by some force. He went back up to the top confusingly.

"What the heck was that?!...Again?"

"Somethings wrong with these chests," Lakitu added. "Let me look something up." He pulled out his cell phone.

"Oh, so your phone's water proof too?" Bowser groaned.

Lakitu looked at him like he was an idiot. "Duh? Okay...oh, so it's a puzzle!"

"Gah! I hate puzzles! Forget the treasure. I mean, how are we gonna carry these chests out of here anyway? Just give me the star so we can leave!"

"But that's just it. If the chests are opened in the right order, the water will lower, and we can open that box to get the star. You did notice that box, right?" Lakitu pointed to the red box that was above them.

Bowser looked around nervously. "Uh, course I did! Now what's the order?"

Lakitu shrugged. "Doesn't say. I guess this ship sunk before they came up with internet. We'll just have to experiment."

Bowser let out a loud groan and dived down. He went for the chest on the right. It shocked him, so he tried the left. A bubble of air and the number 1 appeared along with a happy chime. Bowser then went back to the one on the right. It shocked him again. This cycle went on for several minutes, with Bowser having to come back up for air occasionally until he finally figured it out.

The water started to drain from the ships interior and Bowser now stood in mud. As Bowser climbed the platforms leading to the top where the box was, Lakitu was looking at his previously recorded footage.

"Ha ha ha ha!"

"What is your deal- Whoa!" Bowser's claw slipped off the slippery platform and he had to catch himself at the last minute.

"You know those videos where they're testing the memory of goldfish?" Lakitu asked with a smirk.

"Uh huh. Where are you getting at?!"

Lakitu suppressed a laugh. "Nothing. For the record, you failed that simple puzzle twenty times!"

Bowser growled and then used his Super Wall Climb to scale the steep path. Bowser punched the box and the star revealed itself. He grabbed it with out any fanfare and ended the mission, too upset to speak with Lakitu farther.

Bowser exited the painting to the calm blue room before. He stomped straight out of it, the nature of the room failing to mollify him in any way, and entered the main room to go straight to Toad.

"I'm tired of these levels! I want answers, now!" Bowser threatened the Toad.

"Okay okay! Just one more level, and you can go through that big star door on the mezzanine!" Toad plead.

Bowser approached him menacingly. "And then?"

"You can fight...Bow- I mean the boss of this place!"

Bowser bent down to his level. "One more? As long as it ain't an ice level." Bowser stood back up. "Oh, and Fungus face, you'd better be right. I might be stomping around here doing hero work, but don't you forget who I am!" Bowser turned around to the door Toad was referring to.

"Pssst!" Toad said to Lakitu. Lakitu turned back. "It is an ice level!" Toad whispered mischievously.

Lakitu smiled back.

To be continued?

Author note: This story will probably go on hold again after this. Should I continue? Please review.

Super Bowser 64

Cool Cool Misery (Chapter 5)

Disclaimer: Mario and Co. belong to Nintendo

"It's great to be alive," the Snowman thought, a lone but not lonely figure among vast whiteness. This was like a preview, kind of.

But as the camera faded to black, there was a silver glint heading straight for his neck. The knife sliced through his icy insides with ease, and the snowman didn't even have time to gasp before his spherical head was rolling away.

But the Snowman was only unimpressed. "You stop that, now! I know your mother raised you better!"

"Heheheheheh," croaked the assailant. "I'm not that pipsqueak. There's a new boss of this mountain!"

Mission: Slip Slidin' during the frosty race for eight coins that the lil' penguin lost using wall kicks that will work to find Snowman's lost head.

When the Koopa King entered that center painting in the liking of a snowman, his feet were dunked into a warm puddle, his boiling blood reducing the snowy area to a damp one.

"Grrr! What is this stuff?" Bowser asked rhetorically. He was at the near highest point of a snowy mountain. To the right was a broken wooden path and to the left a snowy steep downhill path. A wooden cabin with an iron lock was the closest structure.

"S-s-snow?!" squeak Lakitu from a safe distance of fifteen feet away. This made for a really far camera angle but all for the better with the ugly face Bowser was making.

"IT SURE IS ISN'T IT, GOGGLES?" Bowser looked around. "Erm, I was so upset I forgot the mission. What is it?"

"Something about sliding? I don't know."

Bowser cupped his ear. "Speak up!"

"I DON'T KN- Ah-choo!" The camera took a sharp veer downwards as Lakitu sneezed and a huge snot bubble dribbled everywhere. It was as nasty as it sounded. Lakitu, after going clean through the box of Kleenex he'd brought, refocused the recording equipment to find Bowser no where in sight.

Meanwhile, Bowser stretched his legs in front of the fire, pulling the thick quilt up as well. "A koopa can get use to this, and I mean it this time," he said as he lifted a mug of hot coco.

Knockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknock!

Bowser's hand froze in mid air. "...Good thing that wasn't to my mouth or a certain idiot at the door would be, well, DEAD MEAT. WHO IS IT?!"

By the way, all of this happened with a black screen.

"Let me in!" Lakitu protest. He was very low to the ground as with the low temperature his cloud couldn't float much higher.

"Can't. Locked from the inside."

"You are inside!"

"Am I?" Bowser asked the not camera. "Make like a fat dude that gives presents and do what I did," Bowser said, nodded towards to the chimney.

With a growl, Lakitu climbed onto the lone cabins roof, slipping several times and falling flat on his face. After narrowly getting impaled by ice sickles he slipped through the chimney, right into the burning fire! Ash was blown everywhere inside the small space, making Bowser's entire face turn black. However, the hot coco was still okay!

Bowser shrugged and took a sip. "Worth it. You dropped something."

Abruptly, the camera perspective changed to that of first-person as Bowser held Lakitu's camera. Bowser took a good glance around.

"Whoa, this is way better. You're fired!"

Lakitu's charred body crawled from the pile of ashes. "But, you can't do that! We're the Lakitu bros!"

"Smell ya later," Bowser said dismissively as he walked forward a few steps. "I can literally see everywhere with this new perspective so losers like you are just gonna slow me down-"

"Uh, Bowser-"

"What!? Wh-whoooooaaaaa!" Down Bowser went into the icy slide! He shot through twists and turns in a giant arena with a bottomless black void beneath.

"Gnarly bro!" said a big penguin sliding along side Bowser with an ipod of surf rock playing.

Bowser uncovered his eyes. "You say something to me?"

"Yeah, wanna race?"

Bowser glared at him. "…No!"

"Yes? Okay, go! No cheating!"

"No!" he repeated as the bird gained ground. "Nooooo!" But Bowser was in a videogame so really the answer was always going to be yes. Bowser took the inside line when the path began to curb into a loop.

The penguin glanced back and saw Bowser catching up with a smirk. They activated their AI rubber banding and again left him in the dust.

Bowser pulled over for a pit stop. On a floating platform was a group of his pit crew, koopas all dressed as mechanics who quickly got to work giving Bowser an 'oil change' swapping his 'tires', and making sure he was 'gassed' (you may interpret that as you wish) and ready to go.

Bowser zoomed down the remaining track, having a photo finish with the big penguin.

"...And you know who took that photo? Me!" Said Lakitu while holding his spare pocket recorder.

Bowser kept going, crashing into the wall. Right outside this second cabin, now located at the near bottom of Cool Cool Mountain, a mama penguin was searching for her lost child around the lake. She was startled by the ruckus inside.

"Tuxie?" She called in gentle voice.

Bowser slammed the door open, frantic to get out. "Princess? Oh, nope. Ya'll sound similar."

The mother sigh with disappointment. "Won't someone please find my baby?"

"Ooh, that sounds like a star mission," Lakitu said. "By the way, here you go. The big penguin gave it to me off screen and then jumped off that broken platform, but he deserved it. His music playlist on the ipod he left didn't have any Metallica."

Bowser earned a star!

"Bout time," gloated the Koopa King, who was getting stared at oddly by both his camera man and the mother. Why? His 'oil change' was some thick hair grease that was applied to his red hair, making it completely gelled down in a limp unflattering way. Those brand new 'tires' were just the claws on his hands and feet being painted with a black color. And his 'gas refilling' was… actually that was real gasoline.

"Hold on, I'm gonna be sick!" Bowser clutched his abdomen before running off to the side (and thankfully off screen) to gag up the dangerous liquids.

Silently and hopelessly, the mother cried.

"Listen lady, what does he look like?"

Still sobbing, she handed Lakitu a photo, making the camera man's eyes water. "This is the cutest little guy ever! We will vow to find him."

"Thank you dear. I would have had more photos of Tuxie but someone intruded on my home near the top of the mountain and burn down most of the interior. So sad."

Lakitu's smile abruptly dropped. "...Who could have done that I wonder?"

Wobbly in the legs, Bowser got back on screen with his face even more green. "Listen here, woman. I'm only helping cause I've been only getting one star per course and that ain't gonna fly if I'll need fifty before this is all over." How Bowser subconsciously knew that fact he didn't know, but he quickly forgot about that when Lakitu shot off another snot rocket that froze and hit the ground solid.

"Cut that gross crap out, goggles! Get on that gondola on the double!"

"Sir yes, sir- AH-CHOO!…. Sorry."

So they took the path upwards while on look out. There were some flying enemies floating around but they made no advancements on Bowser. Soon he found sitting on a podium an unhappy snowman's head.

"What's his issue?" Bowser asked, pointing a thumb. "Seen a little brat running around anywhere?"

The head turned to him. "Yes I did! It happened at the top of the mountain and I rolled here. You simply must help me."

Bowser rolled his eyes. "Super Wall Climb, go!" His claws sunk into the rigid mountain side and up he went. After many deep and chilly breaths he was soon near the starting spot, with his hands swollen and worse for ware. Also numb.

"This better be worth it," Bowser said, rubbing his hands together rapidly. "Lil penguin, were'd you get lost at?" He asked, getting really close to the mission name by complete accident.

"Drats!"said a tiny voice from inside that cabin. Caught red handed was a little blue penguin holding a black bag full of valuables stolen from the house.

"Get over here," Bowser growled.

The penguin dropped his bag. It split open and numerous red coins clattered to the ground and began to slide down the steep path down the mountain.

"My loot! No!" shout the thief. Bowser watched in slow motion the lad dive down after the coins.

"Wait. I got this!" Lakitu said all hardcore like. You'd better believe some Slayor or Megadeth or something was playing in his mind when he flung a small snowball after the penguin, which did nothing except roll down the hill. Oh well, metal can't solve everything.

"Here we go again," Bowser groaned. He dove down following the snowball which followed the penguin which followed the red coins. Instead of smooth ice there was now chunky snow, making for a rough erratic ride. He slid off the edge and fell down a long way, landing head first in a pile of snow.

"Bowser?!" Lakitu zoomed in really close because this would make a great embarrassing shot to sell to TMKMZ and zoomed out again to see only white in the viewfinder...

Lakitu looked up. Heading straight his way was a humongous snowball sprinkled with eight red coins and the penguin who had gotten ran over at some point.

Crash! An explosion of wintry madness occurred, sending snow fifty feet into the sky. The mother penguin heard and saw even from below, rushing up using the gondola. By the time she'd made it up there, the snow was falling heavily.

"Are you all okay?" she asked, looking around to try to find survivors.

"Ah-choo! No I ain't!" Bowser said, in between his coughs and sneezes.

The snowman however was smiling. Some of those mounds of snow from the explosion were the perfect size for a body. "We've found your child!"

The mother's eye's widened. "You have? Where?"

Bowser slid a solid ice cube her way, a blue penguin frozen solid within.

"We kept the change if you don't mind," Lakitu said, holding on to the coins for himself.

She hugged the ice cube close, oblivious to the frostbitten one within. "Oh, take anything you want. This is most certainly my child and not an impostor. I'm one thousand percent sure."

And so Bowser took a star, three more in fact for a grand total of four. Wait actually, six. In the bottom cabin after beating the penguin, there was a trap activated star that appeared from just opening the door and while climbing the mountain the hard way, a star was randomly floating in the air. Hey, Bowser did not make the rules in this alternate painting universe world. Or did he?

…

Meanwhile, near a campfire back at the top of the mountain was a penguin playing a gameboy. After completing Super Mario Land, no easy feat, the batteries finally died.

"That's too bad," the innocent little Tuxie thought. "Oh well, time to go home. I bet my mother's worried sick."

To be continued!

Author note: It's back!

Created: 10/16/18

Super Bowser 64

Mario in the Dark World (Chapter 6)

Disclaimer: Mario and Co. belong to Nintendo

"So I have one hundred stars," Bowser announced, back in the lobby.

"Ha. No. Ten I think," Lakitu said. Someone in the distance gasped and ran to meet them.

"No flipping way, dude! How are you not dead yet?" Toad asked, amazed.

"I'm the best, so what did you think?"

"Where do we go from here?" Lakitu wondered.

Toad smiled. "With that star count, there's noting else to do but fight Bowser. See that?" He pointed to a big star door in the mezzanine.

"So.. I go up there to fight myself? Heh, I have internal struggles without having to collect stars first, but whatever. Off to fight 'Bowser'," Bowser said in a tone rife with mockery at the absurd situation he was stuck in only growing more ridiculous. He'd have a lot to explain to the rest, his household, Peach even though he was already in her house, even Mario.

Mario. Why did Bowser think of him of all people?

He went up to the door and a glowing spinning star materialized over his head.

'Reacting to the star power, the door slowly opens,' said the dialogue box. Bowser had almost started to miss those. Oh wait, no he didn't.

The room inside was narrow with a red carpet, leading only to a portrait on the wall with Peach on it.

"Are we getting this all on film?" Bowser asked over his shoulder.

Lakitu nodded, inwardly hoping something would happen soon. Walking and talking wasn't good television. A moment later he got his wish. Halfway down a trap door activated under Bowser's feet, sending him into a black abyss. The camera went black and it wasn't Lakitu's doing. This meant they had just entered a stage!

Bowser belly flop on a concrete floor with a thud. The path ahead was narrow, leading to walkways over pits, moving platforms, and most alarmingly flame jets.

'"Bwa ha ha ha! You've stepped right into my trap, just as I knew you would! I warn you, "Friend", watch your step!"

Bowser got up with a jolt. "Who was that?!"

"Umm, huh?" his camera guy replied.

Bowser groaned, rubbing a knee. "No problem. I built this layer myself. I'll just navigate it because I have at the very end a warp to my coliseum where there's snacks, cause I'm hungry, and a working phone line, cause somebody's got some explaining to do!"

Bowser traversed the wooden plank across the gap first, promptly slipping off when his giant feet flexed the board. Bowser caught the edge of the other side with one hand. Now was the flames. 1, 2, 3, he counted in his head, running past on the 3. Bowser dodged the flames but couldn't stop going quick enough. He tripped over the square moving platforms as they had a hump on them.

"Nice!"

Bowser glared at Lakitu. "Was that sarcasm?!"

"Totally not!"

Bowser let it go. "Super Wall-climb, go!" He used the shortcut up the steep hill to find or circling platforms.

"Make sure these are sturdy enough for you."

Bowser got on one of them with no issues. "Make sure you don't get strangled back there… Hey! I see you backing up. I knew your kind were babies.."

Once again the camera was way zoomed out and vibrating from Lakitu shivering form the threat.

Bowser found more goombas on the upper level. "You losers gonna give me trouble?"

The closest goomba hopped in surprise. "We'll whoop you good for Bowser, Bowser. Come get some!"

The the three goombas in a triangle formation rushed Bowser, but the Koopa King noticed something. They seemed competent this time, even being armed with javelins in their invisible hands while they closed in on every side. Bowser concentrated, phasing from one end of the platform to the others. The goombas collided in the middle where he just was and bonked each other on the head.

Lakitu's jaw dropped. "What was that?"

Bowser smiled, showing off. "Actually I did this sort of thing all of the TIME!" He emphasized that last word by kicking the dazed and confused goombas off the platform into the void. Bowser wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Erm, but now I remember why I don't do it often."

"Because it's over powered?"

"Yeah and-" Bowser gave a start. "I mean NO! Because it's freaking hard to concentrate. Oh, and the potion that allows me to do it is in limited supply."

"Can't you order it online?" Lakitu asked like it was obvious.

Bowser shook his fist at the aerial cameraman. "Can you order yourself a new face online?! Cause that's what you're gonna need to do!"

Lakitu shut up real quick.

Bowser trudged forward where some sizzling electric amp enemies circled about. Bowser had many close calls, feeling the hair on his head stand up. After those were more platforming shenanigans including moving cheese. He wasn't sure where that idea came from. Maybe he thought Mario might get hungry or something. He was careful to not careen into stuff so Lakitu missed out on any juicy footage to his dismay but to Bowser's smug satisfaction.

Eventually he was at the purple switch and just ahead was a really steep checkerboard path to the top of the level.

"This activates the stairs," Bowser explained.

"… I wasn't paying attention. What activates the stairs?"

"Goggles you idiot, I just said… er uh I said these work by motion," Bowser replied, concocting a plan. "Yeah, you just do like this." Bowser demonstrated by putting his hands to his hips. "And this is the motion." He bobbed back and forward repeatedly then stopped, seeing that Lakitu took it all in. "You try, slick, since you're falling asleep so much."

Lakitu scoffed. "Only because you stopped failing- I mean flailing- I mean uh, doing anything exciting. Fine, I'll do your job."

Lakitu did the moves Bowser had just done perfectly, ironically (or not!) looking like he was doing the chicken dance.

Bowser caught the entire thing on tape, hardly containing his laughter. "Hmm I see I was wrong about ya, goggles. Go on up."

Lakitu tried and slid right back down to his confusion. "Bowser? Your steps don't work."

Bowser hit the switch for real and the ramp contorted into steps, flinging Lakitu off. "I take back what I said." Bowser shrugged. "You didn't have the moves!"

Bowser hopped into the pipe at the top, expecting to drop into one of his private rooms he'd set up when turning Peach's place into an art gallery years ago. Instead, he was in a wide open battle room with a red floor. Lining the edges of the arena were floating poison mushrooms and heading straight his way was none other than-

"Hello, Bowser," the mustached man greeted. "Nice for you to stop by. Like how I redecorated?"

Bowser's eyes narrowed. "You got some nerve, plumber. What's going on anyway?"

"I've taken over," he said simply. "The castle is much better now that it can trap people in the walls, including the Princess and her annoying toads. It gets better, my monsters are everywhere and you yourself keep falling on your face. It's great television."

"That's what I've been saying," Lakitu butt in before realizing his error and going back to the stay the away from Bowser technique.

It took everything in Bowser's power to not roast Mario right there. "That's not making sense. No one is making sense anymore!"

"Let me clear it up then," Mario said, talking down like he was dealing with the biggest idiot ever. "The monsters you encounter, well most of them. I believe those pink bob-bomb guys and rebels but not the black guys. The black guys are great."

"That's racist. Uh, actually not. Keep going, stupid."

Mario frowned but continued. "Anyway, these enemies you encounter do indeed work for 'Bowser' should you inquire, koopa. They follow 'Bowser' as a concept of evil. There's a Bowser to every Mario and it just happens that I'm Bowser and you're Mario."

"….HA HA HA! Good one!" Bowser slapped Mario on the back.

Mario shoved him back. "You won't think this is a joke for long, koopa." He sprung towards Bowser who used his teleport to get out of the way. Bowser however didn't see Mario spinning around in time to shoot a fireball. Lakitu consequently got some great footage of Bowser running around like a maniac with his tail on fire.

Bowser retaliate with his own flames as Mario rolled to dodge. This meant he'd need to get up close and personal, as Mario was always faster than he. Bowser closed in and swung his claws, targeting that fat neck of Mario's. Mario delivered a swift right hook to Bowser's jaw. The Koopa King saw stars, and not the kind he's trying to collect.

Lakitu was enjoying it all until a brown boot head his way. After sending Bowser spiraling to the ground, Mario was going to take out Bowser's cameraman! Lakitu's Nikon camera was knocked right out of his hands to the floor. It was like watching his child dropping in slow motion.

"Noooooooooo!" And so, the rest of this fight was in fixed camera mode.

Bowser rubbed his head and leaned up, growling. He chased Mario all around, using his warping to try to catch up. Finally he warped to just the right spot and both koopa and plumber collided.

"Got ya now." Bowser held Mario in his clutches, unsure of what to do next. "… Oh duh. I know. This is for tossing me by the tail in the 90s, pipes for brains!"

Bowser flung the helpless Mario around and around, flinging him towards the nearest poison mushroom. Just touching the wretched edible, sent Mario high into the air, only to land right in the middle of the arena again.

"Moma mia! That was careless but it doesn't matter," Mario said while sprawled out on his back. "I still have the power of the stars and I still have Peach. You'll pay for this later!" Mario dissipated in smoke leaving only a shiny gold key in his spot.

Bowser picked it up. "Goggles, get over here."

Lakitu came over with the pieces his equipment was in. "What?!"

"Mario thinks he's me. I think I'm him. Now we have to keep this show going. That junk still works, right?"

Lakitu fiddled with his viewfinder. "Looks like it does surprisingly. I'd hope so with me spending half my college fund on-"

Bowser made snoring noises.

Lakitu sighed. "Yeah it works. So now what?"

Bowser twirled the key around stylishly. "I'm getting those stars and shoving Mario's face into the floor like I always do. I could always use that cake too."

"I don't think that's the only thing you're looking forward to," Lakitu said, just knowing some good content was coming. "What are you doing now?"

Bowser was at the edge of the platform looking around. "I think our game glitched cause I don't see a way go get out of this level!"

"Press pause and quit."

Bowser spun around. "What freaking pause? I could use a dialogue box right now! Hello?…HELLO? Can I have a hint please?!"

To be continued…

New moves: Teleport- Something Bowser does in SM64, but only in the Bowser in the Sky I think, I could be wrong. I just know that is not supposed to be a common move.

Author note: Yeah, so now this is the logic we're going with. Stay tuned.

Created: 10/20/18

Super Bowser 64

Chapter 7: Big Boo's Bunt

Disclaimer: Mario and co belong to Nintendo

Bowser, after being bailed out of the last level by Lakitu looking up the controls online, stomp around the castle trying to find a home for the big shiny gold key he now sported.

"Do I need to look up a walk through?" groan the floating cameraman, tired of that message about the key not fitting in the mezzanine door.

Bowser stood before the double doors. "Of course not goggles! If I try it the twentieth time maybe it'll decide to open."

Toad cleared his throat. "Guys? That key actually goes down-"

"Nobody asked you, fungusface! Ghahh! Why isn't it working?!" Bowser beat on the door repeatedly but it never bulged.

"How about some fresh air?" Lakitu suggest, staying back for safety.

Without answer Bowser quit and head through a door he hadn't yet on the ground floor which lead to a long red carpeted corridor. A large semitransparent boo blocked the way which Bowser immediately bared fangs at, but from Lakitu's view point he saw nothing but a red floating coin through his viewfinder.

"Hehehehehe. This is not your home!" the boo cackled.

Bowser rudely barged past. "No one asked you either! Kicking open the back door there were more of the floating, laughing, ethereal little beasts roaming around Peach's quaint little enclosed backyard area. Bowser suppressed a chill.

"W-Whoa!" gasped Lakitu, pulling away from the viewfinder just in time to find himself in the Pumpkin Zone. "Aren't these your soldiers?"

"I wouldn't know if they were. They look too much alike-"

"Rac-"

"Don't you go there! You know what I mean." Bowser stood in the center of the courtyard where the fountain was. "Attention! This is (maybe) your King-!" SPLASH! Something invisible knocked Bowser straight back into the pool and against the 'L is Real' fountain.

"You mean Eternal Star? Ha!" Lakitu was punished for that snarky remark when something unseen knocked the camera out of his hands, forcing him to dive down to catch it in time.

Bowser spat out water. "Which one of ya'll is doing this?! HUH?"

All of the boos stopped the roaming to stare at Bowser with their shifty eyes. A moment later the water Bowser sat in began to boil, being heated up intensely by his rage.

"Forget it. Just hand over those red coins then. I need the stars."

"Neverrrrr!" bellowed the biggest boo in the distance. Their beckoning call threw five boos into a frenzy. They all at once swarmed in on the Koopa King to lift him slowly from the ground. He struggled to no avail as they were intangible to him.

Bowser was carried up and up. "Goggles! Stop dreaming and help!"

Lakitu grabbed his CD holder and tossed a disc he didn't care for at a boo. Metallica's 'LOAD' album smacked him in the back of the head and he disappeared, slowing down Bowser's ascent. Still Bowser was nearing the edge of the wall and they'd surely toss him over into the raging waterfall just outside it! Lakitu threw another cd: 'Reload'.

"Keep your stupid metal to yourself!" Bowser shut up when that second cd knocked out yet another boo with their back turned. Lakitu got distracted when some other boos started to head for him. Soon Lakitu was in a tug o war match with boos trying to grab his camera while the big boo stood back as coach. With this going on Bowser used his brain (for once.) "Hey ya'll," he said quickly. "It's Queen Boo over there!"

One of the boos holding him gasped. "Where?" He and the other three all turned around, allowing Bowser to knock them out. They disappeared in a cloud of smoke and he was safe. Or not. Down he plummeted right on top of the big boo's head! There was more smoke as the remaining boos shriek and disappear. All was left was Bowser laying flat on his back.

"Are you okay?"

Bowser abruptly lean up. "Nope! Oww! What is this?!" Impaled on his butt from the impact was a small little music box. Slowly it crank itself in his hand, or so he thought. Next he knew his world went black.

…

Bowser was in a dark place… well, in a different way than usual. His back popped when he got up and took a gander around. It was nearly pitch black but what he could make out was a tall cage like wall surrounding the outer edges of the stage along with a medium sized brick mansion ahead, lit up slightly by the dim lanterns posted outside it's doors. With a sigh Bowser head there, he was getting use to the program after all.

'Game in progress. Meet in basement. B.B,' said the tattered paper. When Bowser ripped it from the door with a curious look he realized that it was antiquated.

"I should Google how old this is. Wait. I don't care!"

"Cut that out, goggles! Where else are we gonna go if the house is locked?!"

Lakitu spun his night vision camera around, spotting a cabin around back. The door creaked when it was gently pushed open allowing old mildew smells to make Bowser's eye water.

"Who goes there?" The radiant blue iris of the inquiring creature lit up before releasing a laser beam. Bowser narrowly got out of the way as it struck the door, breaking it in two. "Bwa ha ha ha!" went the floating eyeball. It spun around again to face where Bowser fled to, but could only find his camera guy. Lakitu waved and the confused monster sat still just in time for Bowser's flame breath to envelop it from behind. He was reduced to a blue coin that his attacker happily picked up.

"Great. I don't know who that eyeball thing was but now we just need 96 more coins."

"95. You can't count."

Bowser flushed. "Shut it, goggles!"

Elsewhere Booligan signaled a two but boos lacked fingers so every call for a fast ball, curve ball, screw ball, or fake out seemed identical. Why were they bothering? What ever ball was being pitched went right through the batter. Literally.

"Out! Change!" The catcher muttered. "… Calm down. You can't bat a one hundred every game," he added as Big Boo at the plate beat his bat repeatedly into the ground in rage. A small boo slowly floated up with the scoreboard, sweat pouring off of them in buckets practically.

"S-so this means the Boolicious Battlers now tie with the B.B Champs?" This announcement result in a collective groan from all the players on field. Suddenly they heard the elevator in the distance then the background music stopped.

"Who halt my masterpiece?" exclaim Bootoven, the right fielder boo with a powdered wig on.

"Me, losers!" Bowser entered the room everyone was in, a circular hall with old wooden floors and dust marks from the objects that had been cleared out of the way to host a 'baseball' game. "Now, give me your stars. Don't be shy!"

But he was ignored as a burly boo named Bock step up to the plate to bat. Big Boo was now the pitcher and threw a curve ball that curved.. right into Lakitu. CRASH! There went the sound of expensive equipment being destroyed, plus a cameraman shrieking.

The catcher, Bational only gave it a second's thought. He was average in every way save for his always tensed brow, made to be that way from his fellow boo's constant idiocy. "Walk."

Boo scanned over the score card again. "So if Bock goes there then Butler goes here...Boomerang makes home and-"

"Idiot just look at what's going on. And who has the ball?! They're gonna cross the home plate!" Big Boo shout as the runners were running (floating) past first, second, third, and finally home. He finally located the ball right at Bowser's stinky feet (who was yawning and refusing to get involved) and struck the last boo out. The inning was almost over, still stuck at a tie.

"Oh, I got it," said Boo, smiling weakly. "Boolicious battlers are 424,828 to B.B Champ's 424,828! Uh… did I do good?"

With a growl Big Boo flung the ball their way but it missed and knocked Bootoven out with his powdered wig flying. Bowser finally had enough.

"I don't know what you're playing but it ain't baseball. Do you all have stars or not?"

Bational sighed as he took off his catchers mask. "We do but no one will ever see it because there's only two outs and the remaining Boolicious Battlers are too tired to swing. You've messed our entire century long game up."

Bowser noticed the surviving team who looked like indistinguishable boos and not tired, but who was he to judge? "No way! What if I'm the relief? I got good stats in the games ya know."

Before Bational or any others could have a say, Big Boo got in Bowser's face, towering over him even more than the boo at Peach's back yard did. "Deal, shorty. Try not to choke, hehe."

Now Bowser was a Boolicious Battler, or batter rather. (But he'd happily be both.) He step up to plate with his own oversized spiky bat while Big Boo smugly smiled up there. Bowser tightened his grip as the boo's arm wind up. A second later the ball seemingly materialized in the catcher's glove.

"Strike one."

Bowser focused hard but this time the ball was only a fleeting speck zooming past him before he'd had a chance to react. His brain churned for an idea and by some miracle he'd found one.

"Strike two."

"Get this one past me, freak." Bowser chuckled darkly when the third ball at maximum velocity head right down the plate-

Bop! With a hallow noise it bounced off of his bat and rolled on the field, aided in momentum by the uneven floorboards, out into center field right past Big Boo's shocked stupid face, past the boos in the outfield with the same expression, and against the wall on the edge of the room. From here it made it's rebound past the outfield boos still frozen, past Big Boo, past-

"What the heck was that?!"

"A bunt," Bowser answered, confidently stepping off of home plate after he'd picked up only a mild sweat during his sprint. "Oh, and an in-field home run, suckers! That's the 'Bowser Monsters' style. Get on my level, fatty!"

Big Boo's entire face tinged red. "No flipping way. We've been playing since forever. You can't turn your bat sideways and.. just.."

"Maybe that's your problem. The game's changed. Pay my goods up!"

"Arrg! Never come back!" Big Boo bark. With a wave of the hand a shining star appeared near the passageway in. Bowser instinctively reached up for a high five for no one to be there. His camera guy was still off in the corner putting his equipment back together. "Goggles?!" Bowser said, coming up as the boos began to murmur in the background about something. "You missed me being awesome. What's wrong?"

Lakitu looked up in desperation. "My stuff is toast and the spares are back in the castle. Even my phone got totaled."

"….Wait. So… we don't know how to get out of this level either!?"

Big Boo and some of the others boos on his team overheard that gave Bowser a funny look, licking their lips.

"He he he, don't have your technology? I hope you can make it out of here ALIVE!" His words echoed as the lights dim. Bowser's hair began to stand up as he backed against the wall.

"Psst. Over here!" said a boo near the entrance. It was the scorecard boo. Bowser could tell by the way they looked unusually like a dork, but then again they were saving Bowser's clueless behind so he wouldn't judge!

"Alright. Now what?" Bowser asked as he heard the collective cackles of boos getting closer in the darkness.

"If you hug the wall to the right and go into the water you'll find the elevator, hehe," said the little boo. "Oh, and tell Luigi I asked about him!"

Bowser gave one last look behind. "Yeah, I do that random thing. Thanks whoever you are. Ya seem familiar but, never mind..."

To be continued.

Created: 12/21/18, 12/25

Author note: No, this story didn't go away as I been handwriting it since early November of this year and with me working on finishing up other stories I never got around to retyping it up on my computer until now.

Super Bowser 64

Chapter 8: Shifting Mad land

Author note: Hello and welcome back. I had some scraps left about I never uploaded so I might as well do something with it. Kind of surreal that this started in 2017 and the world is basically a different place now. I know..

…

Star Mission: In the Talons of the Big Bird…

The sun baked Bowsers forehead while he was sprawled out on his spiky shelled back. Everything had a tan haze around him. Why did he ever lean against what seemed to be a blank wall in the dank basement of Peach's Castle? The Koopa King would have rather been with those sneaky little boos in that other world. He checked his analog watch after shaking some of the sand out of it and the battery had died, giving no clue other than the fact that at some point in the universe it had been 10 o'clock in the morning on the twenty-ninth day or whatever month.

"Yo, goggles? Star mission?" Bowser rose up blinked rapidly for something recognizable to materialize. The sky was blue around the beaming sun and a sand dune five stories high and a taller iron fence blocked most of his view to the left. Ahead near the level's boundary was a whirling noise coming from a pit of agitated dark sand.

It was then that the view of the area cleared up as a small moist yellow hand swept across it several times. "Oh, that's better!"

Bowser's head snapped to the direction of the voice. He stood up, not caring to dust himself off from impact and took a tentative step towards the camera. "Oh, didn't notice you there. And thanks for the better view. What, you had lens cleaner?"

"No I spat on it. Always does the trick!"

Bowser frowned. "What took so long?"

Lakitu pointed to a smaller pit near where Bowser landed. "I got all the footage of you running all over the place while trying to catch MIPS, banging your head against the wall by mistake, having the candle holder fall on your skull afterwards and then tripping backwards into this secret painting."

Bowser stared as blankly as he could with all the sand particles in the air colliding with his already puffy and irritated eyelids. "I don't remember that."

"Eh, well it was over a year ago.."

"…If this adventure takes too long this dumb game's gonna have a compilation all-stars rerelease on the latest Nintendo console or something.."

"Well.." The floating cameraman smiled mischievously.

"Huh?"

"… Never mind. Let's SWITCH the subject." Lakitu winked in an ill-advised attempt to be suave for the for the sake of the camera footage while Bowser stormed off. It didn't take long to spot him a few yards way. All that was left of the fly guys and bob-bombs and pokeys where their bounding golden or blue coins, uncollected because Bowser was busy reaching for the 1-up mushroom atop a sand pit. One problem.

"Bowser!" Lakitu rushed closer as Bowser got shorter by the second. "You're in quicksand!"

Bowser tried to find his toes beneath him in vain. Not far from being up to his neck, a wave of panic swept across his bumpy features. "Aww heck! Fish me up like in the kart games already, goggles!"

Galvanized by his tone, Lakitu without a second thought took his prized camera off the end of the pole. He did need to practice doing handcam work more anyway. He slung the fishing pole backwards and then forwards. The end of the iron hook flung in an arch towards Bowser to catch it. That's when the tugging began. The wire stretched to its max, Bowser felt his arms almost pull out the socket yet remained as short as he was in junior high, and that's wasn't very tall. He didn't like to talk about it but he was a late starter like that…

Bowser squeezed his eyes shut. "If only I grabbed that 1-up!...Wait a minute.." He let go of the line completely to snag the life restoring fungi above his head, just in reach of his long claws. "It's alright goggles," he continued with a change of face. "I'll just respawn at the start again."

With the free hand not holding on to the pole, Lakitu slapped his red forehead only to flinch, striking a newly sunburned spot. "So I sacrificed my good fishing pole for nothing?"

A huge silhouette rolled across the landscape. Following that came a shill cry that made Lakitu shiver. He shielded his eyes and craned his neck upwards in time to find the avian attacker aggressively diving down towards his temple. Lakitu hurled himself down just at the lip of the quicksand pit and his vision became clouded by dust. The show must go on! The shaky cam footage would be good anyway. Maybe he could add a filter in post-production to make it more interesting. He'd also use a filter to make himself look more attractive. They had that kind of mushroom technology now… Anyway, he hit record while he heard a cacophony of screeching, growling and coarse words.

"Yowch! I had a strategy bird brain! I didn't need your help." Bowser glared at his savior, a large condor. It stood nearly as tall as Bowser and if its wings were outstretched it'd be as wide as two Bowsers. Despite the imposing nature its face seemed leisurely yet intelligent.

One of the its talons reached out as if it was an open palm. "I see travelers. I am Kepto, protector of treasures. All I demand for my assistance is a little contribution to my collection. Something nice and shiny, I see. Like this." After planting his foot down again he revealed from under his wing a power star. Something particular was noticed about it right away. It was dusty and old, just like the most recent star they'd collected from Big Boo's Haunt.

Bowser stared at Klepto like he'd pulled MIPS out of a hat. "You stole my star?" he sputtered, flustered, irate, and having an itch on his back he couldn't reach all at once.

Without a response aside from the twinkle in his eye, Klepto launched himself into the skies once more, gliding away from the stage's perimeter with their precious star a prisoner of the raptor. Lakitu's camera panned the around the stage trying to trace the thief, not a stealthy target with the scintillating object attached. Bowser honed in as Klepto disappeared at the pointed top of the pyramid in some sort of secret entrance. Lakitu opted for a wide lens shot. The dunes at the staring area where like curtains obscuring the true magnitude of the desert stage. Aside from the landmark pyramid sprouting form the near center of the arena guarded by a pool of quicksand, four roasted brick obelisks were at each corner, single coins floating over each. To the duo's immediate left was a maze of square tiles with autonomous rolling iron cubes navigating it. Farther than that though difficult to discern in devilishly thick dust was what could be a carefully cultivated green plot of various vegetation and perhaps even the sparkle of a body of water just waiting for a splash of a parched visitor. One thing no seen by either Lakitu or Bowser were any stars laying around to grab, giving them an uncomfortable empty feeling.

Bowser stomped the ground. "AHHHRRRGGGG! Skip exploring. Let's get him! What's the quickest way?"

"Don't even think of going that way," Lakitu said preemptively.

The metal boxes in the maze continued without pause. Bowser wasn't convinced however. The end of the maze seemed to be much closer to the pyramid than they were. He just had to dodge them somehow and subconsciously he was leaning in to memorize where they stopped and started.

Slam! Bowser jolted out of his thoughts when a puzzle box snuck up on him, nearly taking his toes with it if he'd been just closer to where the maze tiles started. Up close the boxes had crude faces spray painted on them except for one side of the cube that was hallow and painted with a different pattern. One might call that a safe spot. One might also call that too likely to cause a screw up.

He snapped his fingers. "Heck, I got it!"

"We carefully maneuver the walkway?"

"We go the other darn way because this looks impossible to get by." Bowser pointed a thumb over his shoulder towards the starting arena again. "I shoulda used 'Super Wall Climb' on that dumb gate from the get-go."

"Oh yeah, you can break the game. Why are we still in the basement levels again and it's been three years?"

"SHUDDUP!"

…

Bowser and his camera 'crew' scampered back to the starting area, staying far away from the sand pits or the patrolling bob-ombs that had respawned and came to a halt before the sand wall that lead to the gate. Bowser put one foot forwards and slid back down. Good thing he had 'Hyper Speed' to rush up the near vertical climb and then cling to the clanky casted iron steel and structurally sound barrier. Mostly. A wind kicked up so strong it made the fence contort and the dust storm after that buffeted his strength and battered his senses. Bowser used all he had to get over to the other side, completely blind so that he couldn't see all of the quicksand waiting for him. Bowser's claws crated sparks as he slowly slid down to his demise- and so close to his destination too! He could just see the opening passage of the pyramid.

Lakitu did his spit clean trick, sheepishly realizing he was still on the wrong side of grate when he staring at Bowser's belly sliding down. He wracked his brain for what to do. "Bowser! Make a wish!"

Bowser stared at the camera agape. "I ain't a wuss, goggles but-" He heard a distant whoosh again of another sand storm trying to form. "Alright alright!" He bowed his head.

NEW ABILITY UNLOCKED: Wish

Desc: Wishes are serious business in the Mushroom Kingdom. Anyone with a brain can do it, even Bowser! Go on and try it, sucker! -unknown description author

"Your wish is granted, Bowser," said the voice of Eldstar above.

Everything went white for Bowser and Lakitu before the world faded back into view. Bowser blinked as unfamiliar shapes and objects appeared in the scope of his vision. So much heat, rumbling, a river flowing, dust, even some rhythmic thumping of heavy objects. The area while enclosed was multilevel of golden brick, mostly with the walkways on the perimeter and the center mostly being an open pit of sand. It could only mean-

"I was transported into a fancy gym!" Bowser exclaimed.

Lakitu did the spit trick for a third time, no less disgusting.

Bowser frowned again. "I mean hotel resort! Still not right? Hey, I thought my wishes never came true. Those jerk stars even had a special rule made just for me."

"Well, your wish didn't really come true," Eldstar spoke to them again. "At least according to what I think your intentions where, but alas, I did grant what you said verbatim. You wished to be in a castle with, erm, 'hottt babes' as you put it. This pyramid once housed a powerful ruler. You may think of it as a 'castle'. It is also hot here. Ah-hem. Even my heavenly voice is getting a touch dry, hold on."

Bowser and Lakitu awkwardly waited for Eldstar to sip his water.

"Oh, there are babes here too," he continued.

The camera panned to the left of the entrance where goombas where on patrol. The three mooks spun and saw Bowser. Hearts appeared instantly in their eyes. "Bowserrrrr! We're not like those other goomba who hate you! We love you!"

"Run!" Bowser took off the opposite way and Lakitu struggled to follow. They went to the end of the hall and then down a right hand dead end passage with moving obstacle and a yellow floating block at the end.

"You don't like people that are happy to see your face?"

Bowser shot a nasty look over his shoulder. "Of course not! I don't hire anyone who likes me unironically."

"But why?"

"I tried that and it didn't work. They were all bluffing and I was cut deep. It just doesn't work that way!" he replied bitterly back.

Lakitu felt some sadness grow in him not that he was sure why. It was just a Lakitu Bro on the job to record the adventure. That's when it hit him.

"Ouch, why did you hit me Thwomp?" Lakitu asked the object that had struck him while Bowser was busy diving behind it to hide from the goombas.

The creature scoffed. It had thick downturned black eyebrows, green calculating eyes, and a wide smug smile. "I'm a Grindel, get it right simpleton. I saw your band patches on your vest. I thought to set straight of fan of that out dated 'Metal-ick-a'. Try listening to some polyrhythms, odd time signatures, ambient outros, space themed album artwork and sensitive lyrics on the fall of humanity. Then you'll know good music."

Lakitu rolled his eyes. It was one of 'those' metal fans. "I'm getting off track because this elitist read the narrative literally. So anyway Bowser, we're in the pyramid!"

Bowser staggered back to his feet from behind the grindel, had a flash of embarrassment quicky concealed wherever the Koopa King buried most feelings. "Stop yapping. I just realized that we're in the pyramid where that rat with wings has our star. At least I was using this time THINKING things through!"

"…Yeah sure."

Bowser considered where to go next. There was a pool of sand, lighter colored and less dangerous looking than what he'd seen before, and across it an elevated platform up a level. He decided to go for that with a small leap and a spontaneous yet wise use of his 'Hyper Speed' across the sinking ground. On the second level the walkways were even narrower to navigate with only thin support beams keeping them up. What was more, an enemy not seen in a while was on patrol, a spherical amp sizzling with electricity.

"Did you know you can press B to climb this hanging grate and grab those coins?"

Bowser continued forward briskly. "No I don't want to touch that dumb gate even for coins!.. Reminds me of something Mario did to me once.." he trailed off.

"Do you like me or do you hate me?" Bowser asked the lone goomba on guard he almost passed by without noticing.

"I hate your rotten guts!" goomba spat.

Bowser smiled. "That's the attitude I'm used to! Now die!"

Somehow again Lakitu almost felt bad for the guy. Almost because Bowser punted the little mushroom mook half way across the open area of the pyramid, larger than a football field, and had too much fun doing it. That had to hurt.

Then Bowser used 'Teleport' before the amp's rotation caused a collision. Problem was, Bowser reappeared over open air. Instinctively he reached upwards and he caught something for support. The gate. That dumb one from before.

This would be a perfect place to insert a funny sound effect in post-production. "Ha ha ha!" Lakitu bite his tongue afterwards.

From that vantage point Bowser caught sight of something previously obscured by the view distance fog. Anger placated by that fluttery excitable feeling of finding a shortcut to instant success, he realized that if they could land on the insular red brick structure in the center of the pyramid, they'd have an easy direct route above.

"I gotta get over there, goggles. See?"

Lakitu panned and received a clearer view of the level without that game resource saving mechanic blocking most of it. The levels and walkways going up seem to do so indefinitely and he could spot goomba soldiers, amps, grindels and even a rolling variant waiting for them. He thought on the outset Bowser was being lazy or wanting to cut the adventure short to deny him capturing his so coveted hilarious live broadcasts, but ultimately Lakitu didn't want to endure any of that either.

Lakitu silently muttered something.

"Your wish is granted Lakitu Brother. Even if you filmed that scandalous and disrespectful video about Princess Peach on Facebook here is your wish. So long…. And don't try to abuse this…I won't be responsible for- hey are you cutting me-"

Miraculously, the lost fishing pole appeared in Lakitu's hands. "Cool! Bowser grab on." Poor Bowser though, it was going about as smooth as his first attempt. Lakitu was weighed down like a rock and Bowser was swinging around wildly, banging against the support pillars and crumbling brick, then finally slamming against the side of the brick rectangular formation.

Bowser spat out a tooth in a daze and smacked the sandy ground below. Lakitu reeled the line back in, feeling the burn. Well it was an attempt. A few more of those and maybe he'd develop some muscle mass sometime soon. Bowser came to then with a rapid shake of his head and had enough senses to use 'Wall climb' without prodding. On top was a disappointment. The solid things Bowser thought he could climb were actually rivers of flowing sand, steadily streaming down to the pool below that never seemed to overfill.

"I'm stranded," Bowser grumbled. "Hmm. Goggles, ya got your pole back so find me something to work with!"

Lakitu could zoom out to survey the raised structure from all angles. There was an opening at the front that he though Bowser could maybe fit in, partially blocked with tape stretched across with a stern warning picture message on it. He knocked it away and felt something cold down his spine. Must have been the AC in the pyramid kicking on, the cloud bound cameraman reassured himself. "This just in! I see a passage!"

Bowser slipped in the claustrophobic tunnel into the heart of the structure with careful steps, or crawling on his knees rather. Unlike every other surface they'd came across, this was one spotless as if no living thing had tread there in forever- that is until Bowser tracked mud in as he went. One tile on the wall stood out positioned straight ahead. Hieroglyphics and then 'E.T.' Lakitu snapped a flash photo. Just when they were getting close enough to really see what it was, there was an unexpected steep slope down and out they fell from the passage onto a stone platform suspended over a void. It was dark all around and misty. There was a raised portion where sat two clumps of rocks and a steal ornate box in the middle. Bowser sprung off of his butt this time, just knowing this was going to be a trap. Two clumps of rock reformed into a five-digit hand like shape. In the 'palm' was a closed eye lid and the two appendages readied themselves into a fist.

Bowser and Lakitu gulped.

"Who..track mud…here? Who..break..no trespass..seal? Wake...ancient ones..with…flash photography?...We no like light…" The ground rumbled violently. "We no like intruders…"

Bowser's hair stood up on his neck and and got ready for whatever they would do.

"Now.." The left hand crashed against the ground.

"Battle.." The right hand repeated the same.

".. hand to hand!" Blue irises revealed for the first time, the fists careened for Bowser.

Bowser rolled out of the way and the hands continued past him over the void. They levitated back to the platform for another attack. Bowser was still getting off of his shell when he saw that one hand was trying to smash him again. All he could do is scoot over as the fist landed a hair's length away. Next he knew, a bright eye was looking at him face to.. palm. Bowser poked it like the Three Stooges might. The monster reeled backwards in confusion for a few seconds, allowing Bowser to get back to his feet.

"Nice Bowser! I'll definitely insert a laugh track there later!" Lakitu gave a thumbs up.

The eye rock shrugged off the damage in record time and then there was another he hadn't touched yet and it was coming for him. The opposite hand approached him with a swift shove to sweep Bowser over the edge. It almost worked before Bowser held on with one claw. He pulled himself up to see the onslaught continue with the crushing again. The pounding hands shook the walls and ceiling alike. It occurred to the Koopa King then that there were tons and tons of sand over their heads. The ancient monster was so upset it was willing to destroy its own home to spite them….Bowser could kind of relate. He'd had moods like that with Mario…

"Enough…play…we…end….you…now!"

No matter how Bowser utilized the quick bursts of energy he was known for, he wasn't fast enough to go after the enigmatic blues again when they sporadically took a peek. Worse yet he was getting beat up. If anyone had a black eye at the moment from the scuffle, it was him and not the literal eye monsters. That sucked.

"I'm afraid if this keeps up, not even a filter will make you look better," Lakitu warned with a long face.

Bowser peeled himself off from the wall he'd just gotten nearly squashed against. It took another shake of the head for him to stop seeing six pairs of hands due to dizziness. He'd underestimated the type of foes he'd encountered, but he was Bowser! He was supposed to be the boss of this place. He had to find a way, even if he had to think outside the box.

Bowser confidently faced the Eyerok just as both hands were racing for him ready to pulverize. "Listen here. Rock? Meet- paper!" Imperturbably he made a paper symbol with a flat hand.

Eyerok tremored in place a few feet away. Out of the air spawned a bright white sheet of paper with a Bowser emblem in the middle that gently fell and blanketed over the boss. The paper then rattled as something bustled underneath. Still the pulp did not relinquish its position draped over the enemy.

"Grrrumbbble. What..happen? We…covered…You so strong. You rule pyramid. We should born as Scissors!.. Now take the Star of Power…We.. sleep…somewhere in the stationary aisle..."

There was one final vicious blow against the underside of the bowser paper. A digit broke through. Bowser prepared for the desperation attack- but it never came. He just got the finger. What a troll!

Bowser chuckled as the star from the battle spawned. He gladly took the star. "Let's get out of here."

They returned to the basement out from the hidden painting in the wall only to notice their star counter was where they'd started.

"Arrrrrg. Unfinished business with bird brain. Grrrrrr! I forgot all that!"

Before Lakitu could interject, Bowser had dove back into Shifting Sand Land's painting. The cameraman followed and had to endure the heat wave all over again, aggravating his sunburns. He panned around for Bowser and didn't need to look far. Just from the starting point Bowser had the star in hand waving it in the air and trying to attract the attention of something. That shill cry filled the air again and in a dark flash Klepto was before them.

"I see I see. You wish to make a voluntary contribution to my collection. Much appreciated, I see." As before, the cunning condor had Bowser's new star in an instant and was launching himself from the ground to fly away.

Behind the viewfinder, Lakitu's mouth hung open after the baffling move. Hold on, this just in! A gambit he added in his mind. Bowser's thick and uncoordinated fingers worked overtime on the giant piece of paper he spawn with his new 'Paper' move. A valley fold followed a mountain fold. Corners were creased. In less than a minute a humongous paper airplane was before them.

Back at the pyramid, Klepto dropped in the open top of the pyramid where had had a nest set up in a cage up there. Like he often did in lazy habit, the hatch remained open so he could get some fresh air. From so high he could observe all and with that foolish Bowser taking care of Eyerok, the force that was keeping Klepto at bay with the threats of being swatted out of the sky like a bug, he could then be free to discover all what shiny treasures there really were. He put the code in in his safe tucked in the corner and put away the star. It was brim packed with the lovely shiny things he adored so much. That was when a silhouette graced the opening to his home. That was… odd. He was sure he was the only flying thing around. The alarmed avian poked his beak out just enough to see what was coming.

"Got a surprise for ya, bird brains!"

Klepto's attention snapped to the flying airplane heading towards him with Bowser on the top of it. "You have gotten wings, I see…. I SEE?!"

The keen edge of the paper aerophone wedged into the pyramid opening, the crash knocking Klepto back against the iron bars of his cage. Bowser slid down into the bird's layer, feet landing in a mixture of nesting liner neatly kept. There was a display case of shy rocks and jewels and an iron safe in the opposite corner. As Lakitu was busy focusing on the pretty stuff, Bowser was doing the ugly stuff. He cornered strangled Klepto until his eyes budged.

"Where's the star from just now? And the one before then? And the rest. I know you're hoarding em. I didn't even see red coins anywhere the entire time. That ain't natural! It's in that safe ain't it? What's the code?"

"Two l-letters only. My f-f-favorite p-phrase!"

"I see," Bowser muttered entirely on accident.

"Y-yes." Klepto attempted to nod weakly, hoping that somehow that would make Bowser back off.

"No I don't. What could your favorite phase be?"

"I s-s-see."

"You see?"

"N-n-no.. I s-see!"

"Bowser!" Lakitu called from before the safe he was now featuring on film. "This just in! I knew something in my cloud was occasionally poking me in the butt. I have a bobby pin we can pick the lock with!"

Bowser dropped Klepto with a smile. "Right on, goggles! Do your thang!"

The Lakitu brother had his ear pressed against the door while pressing random buttons on the alphabetic key pad, ignoring that the letters 'I' and 'C' had more wear than usual, and simultaneously poked around in the key hole with the pin. He could hear at least a half dozen twinkling stars inside, making his heart race. Had Klepto not been recovering the damaged windpipes, he'd tell the cameraman he had no clue what he was doing. Bowser tapped a heavy foot impatiently, maybe they weren't getting anywhere and he noticed Lakitu slumped after too long. Then however Lakitu smiled cheekily when the lock simply fell off and onto Bowser's toe. He didn't even notice the sting so newly ecstatic.

"You did it!" Out poured hostage six stars from the level, all bouncing around in the enclosed space so that they wouldn't escape. It was perfect they thought but Klepto knew better. The rope holding the cage began to fray gradually and his wheezing noises for attention were ignored.

"How'd you do it?" Bowser asked, grabbing the stars and watch that star count go up with satisfaction.

Lakitu smiled coyly but didn't answer. Really he'd just wished for it to happen.

'As if I'd let this adventure be so easy,' a dark sinister voice said from somewhere beyond.

Gaze drifting to nothing in particular, Lakitu remembered a warning about wish abuse and his mood soured, more so when something snapped and in an immediately and the cage was heading down from the top of the Giza sized pyramid to the shifting sands below. Now Lakitu couldn't bring himself to clean up the lens of the camera. Whatever happened wasn't easy to look at he was certain.

…

But nothing exiting the level couldn't fix?..

With the stars obtained the game design always kicked them out alive and Bowser was a survivor of that plunge. Not unscathed however. Bowser's right bad leg was completely swollen. Lakitu opened his mouth to speak, to explain he'd messed something up, but the words died as Bowser silently took a step away from the painting. Pain shot up this thigh like lightning and a loud yelp escaped the Koopa King's lips before he could help it. When Bowser's jaw hit floor and all he could stare at was Lethal Lava Land ahead and its painting's patronizing glare …

To be continued….

Author note: I wanted to make this a level dedicated chapter as it was originally intended but from here on to move things along I'll start combining worlds visited in one chapter. Also Klepto having a favorite word was taken from Mario Party Advance. For other references see the ability run down below.

….

Ability Run down:

Super Wall Climb: Bowser scales a wall or nearly vertical surface. Useful for sparing us having to watch Bowser's foot bunions get worse during long journeys. (Designed as a foil of Mario's "Wall Kick")

Hyper Speed: Bowser moves very fast for a short moment in a straightish direction. Useful for skipping boring parts of the story. (Move taken from SM64 during some of Bowser's boss fights.)

Bowser Bomb: Stomp a foe's brains out or just glitch through them! (Canon Bowser move)

Teleport: Bowser teleports but- that's cheating… (Move taken from SM64 during some of Bowser's boss fights.)

Wish: Wishes are serious business in the Mushroom Kingdom. Anyone with a brain can do it, even Bowser! Go on and try it, sucker! (Move taken from Paper Mario)

Paper: Spawns a 100% recycled environmentally friendly sheet of paper to do a highly specific but always useful thing. Not to be confused with Bowser tape or King Olly tape for that matter. (Inspired by Paper Mario)

…

Created: 9/16/20 and 9/17 but notes I based the opening of this on are back from an old notebook in late 2018.