Toads are a genderless species

Hello, my name is Toadette and my tale began like it often did, me slapping the snooze button. Yep, I started the day as just your average toad girl, but that's not what I was when it was over..

Here's the background. I'm pals with Mario and friends and sometimes I even go on adventures but mostly I work for a department store called J.C. Plumbers at the mall. Speaking of which, I should probably drag myself out of bed. You see, that totally awesome girl's night we had last night kept me up till twelve. I feel like I could just slide back under the covers and never leave Subcon. Oh well, today I have to prepare the story for a sale for Father's Day, the Girl Scouts are going to sell cookies outside, and the Princess invited me to another outing. Yep, this girl will be busy.

I cleaned up, got dressed in my usual pink garb, grabbed a quick bite of sweet stuff I shouldn't be eating, and made sure my hair wasn't a mess (but it's only two ponytails so low maintenance for the win) then headed out. I drove my kart, a cute little 'Birthday Girl' to the Mushroom Mall but there was a sign on the door from my boss.

"Dear customers, J.C. Plumbers will open an hour later. Sorry for any inconvenience."

"Wow," I said out loud. "I could have stayed in bed longer. Mr. Koopa, phones exist, you know!" My palm slapped my forehead.

I wasn't terribly surprised though. My boss was always having family troubles and sometimes closed the store or delayed opening when he felt like it. How it was allowed I don't know, but it did grant me extra bedtime so whatever. I turned around and headed to Peach's Castle. Maybe I could find out in advance what Peach was planning. I loved hanging out with the princess and the others, and I don't just mean when we had Mario Karts or other sports and parties. We would hang out at the mall, get nails done, shop till we dropped (sometimes literally I'm ashamed to admit), talk about boy crushes (well, more them than me, I'm taken at the moment by a very handsome and adventurous toad), and get in clubs and buffets for free or at the least a discount. Girls ruled!

So I arrived at the castle and saw Toad out locking up the front doors.

"Hey homegirl," He said as he waved.

"Hey Toad. What's going on?" I asked.

"We were heading downtown. This professor dude has this thing where he can test our DNA or something. Like Bowser stirred this whole debate that were more dirt than fungi."

I frowned. "Oh okay. I was wishing to speak to the princess."

Toad walked over to my kart. "Really? She must be there now. See, I woke up late and they left me to lock the place up."

"Oh no!" And touche, I thought.

"Naw, it's no biggie babe. They do that all the time, but I always manage to catch up. Let's go."

"Umm, I'm invited?"

Toad chuckled. "If you ain't you now are!"

I was totally flushing. I could feel it. I needed to stop, I already have a boyfriend, gosh. But now that think about it, Toad is probably the reason why I became 'tight' with Mario and others. I was new in town but he was the one who invited me to that Mario Kart Double Dash way back. (I wonder why we never did that again. It was fun riding in the back, throwing items to make other racers meet their demise while the wind blew in my face, taunting people behind us with rude gestures... Actually, I think I know why we canceled that…) After that, I was in all of the spinoff games. It just all clicked.

So Toad hitched a ride with me to downtown Toad Town, where it looked like a small fair was going on. I saw a red tent and everything. I parked, and it had to be far away too, (good thing I was wearing my walking work shoes) and we entered. It was as packed as the clothing department in my store honestly and I couldn't see over those more developed in the leg department. Someone with a high-pitched stuttering voice was talking into the mic sounding like my boring science classes back in school but then I heard Mario. Now I had to see this!

I got separated from Toad right away, but it didn't matter. I needed to get a better look. Toads were way too tightly packed so I got an idea. I saw some support beams going from the ground to about fifteen feet in the air, and I was a gymnast once so I climbed right up. I don't even think anyone saw me. Hehe. On the stage, I could see that it was an old short man with thick glasses, a small bit of grey hair, and a lab coat, Professor E. Gadd. Mario was also on stage with his sleeve on one arm rolled up and his hand in this machine that looked kind of like it could be an arm cannon. It was connected with colorful wires to a big boxy computer with spinning tape wheels and everything. Then with a loud beep (almost lost my grip. I better be more careful) printer paper flew from a slot on the computer and piled up everywhere on stage, even over Prof Gadd's head.

Mario expressed concern but the professor laughed.

"Success! You can remove your arm, Mario."

Mario did so and I noticed Peach was right off stage. I think she was saying something but she didn't have a microphone like Mario and the professor.

Prof Gadd nodded to her. "Our dear Mario is perfectly healthy er.. give or take the BMI maybe, but I'm a scientist, not a nutritionist. Anyhow…" He squinted at some of the paper. "Oh, here we go… Mario (homo nintendonus). Male."

Mario smiled. "Cool, professor. So it works."

Peach said something else that was drowned out by the murmuring. Prof was nodding but Peach was waving her arms around like he wasn't getting it and Mario was talking and motioning his arms like he was reasoning. Finally Peach took stage and politely requested the mic.

"Attention my dear Mushroom Kingdom citizens. You may be aware that the evil tyrannical King Bowser and his son issued some serious slander about us on the world wide web in a serious cyber attack!"

So that's what Toad meant. People were gasping and whispering but Peach's face remained determined.

"That koopa claims that you share half of your ancestry with ground soil rather than fungi!"

People got riled up from that and raised their fists in the air angrily. I would have too, had I the ability to clamber with one arm. But I didn't so I had to make due with booing loudly.

"There is no need to panic. I invited the good professor to contest that using irrefutable science. You can trust his results on anything unusual, Luigi can attest to that."

Luigi waved from the audience. "HEY THAT'S ME!"

"Professor, you may continue," she said.

Prof Gadd rubbed his hands together. "I need one Toad helper, thank you."

Mario left the stage as Alagold ran on. He was the yellow toad that went on adventures. Brave but kinda…

"I'm ready bro! Will I get the rest of the day off?" Alagold asked.

Peach shook her head.

"Aww."

"Just sit right here and put your arm there yes. Wonderful! Hmm." Prof Gadd pulled a big lever behind the computer tower and the tapes started to slowly spin.

Alagold sat looking bored and kicking his legs. I started sliding down from the pole involuntarily. Too much candy and junk food nowadays and didn't have the stamina I did in high school. I yelped when the machine went BEEP really really loud. My butt was flat on the ground (and sore) when I also heard-

"Bro! It was the poppy seeds bagel, I promise!"

"Oh no no. The test results are very correct. Hmm. You are 100% Fungi-Nintendonus with XXY chromosomes and not a hint of mud, clay, or other mineral deposits! You are a perfectly healthy Toad of intermediate gender."

Everyone gasped. I really wanted to see what was going on up there. Was this a joke? I tried to inch through the crowd and it was easier now, because everyone was standing still like statues and not minding me stepping all over their toes to get ahead.

I made it close enough to hear Mario. "You mean, Toads are just… Toads?"

"Oh my goodness.." I saw Peach covering her mouth.

"My life is a lie! NOOOO!" screamed Alagold.

"What? Did you not know this?" Prof Gadd faced the audience. "It is a common fact. What did everyone think?"

"Umm, that… you know how it is with us humans." Peach's cheeks turned red.

"Yeah I mean, we don't photosynthesize like piranha plants and junk, bro!"

"Ah, I'm no botanist but fungi are genetically more closely related to animals than to plants thus the resemblance to humanoid species, including secondary sexual characteristics. Mind you, some of these characteristics are adaptations and subject to difference depending on the region of land that a toad lives in. A Toad located near Toad Town does not resemble a Dryite from other lands. Some toads may grow human-like hair while others remain hairless aside from hair-like growths on their heads. Facial hair is possible with only about thirty percent of the population but not others, whether ostensibly male or female. Reproduction occurs by meiosis, but this is E rated, so never mind."

Mario and Peach were scratching their heads and Alagold looked spaced out.

"We're not so good with that smart person genius science stuff," Alagold said.

Prof Gadd held his finger in the air. "Well, basically a toad's appearance is often gendered but you are at the end of the day still fungi. Thank you! You can catch me at the science theater all week! Bye bye!"

The professor was waving like it was all over, but no one else must have thought so. There was a huge roar of chattering and questions and bickering and confusion. I regretted moving up close now, I held my ears when for the first time I caught sight of Toad since we'd made it in. He hopped on stage looking as unperturbed as possible.

"Hey homeboys- er I mean homepeople. This doesn't change a thing. Well, mostly. We're still the same awesome people. Like, let's not freak out."

"I'd rather freak out," someone who sounded a lot like Luigi said. And the crowd agreed! Including me, but I looked at my watch and I was late for work! Again!

I might have left the tent not entirely convinced it wasn't a dream. I mean, everything seemed normal again when I made it back to work, where that sign was missing from the door and I saw lots of customers parked outside.

Uh oh!

I clocked in and got right on my shift. I was supposed to put up all of the Father's Day gifts in the middle of the aisles. It was typical stuff, footballs, coffee mugs, lame-looking socks, wallets, neck ties, etc. I went to the back storage room and picked up the box of coffee mugs trying to look like I'd been there all along.

It didn't fool Mr. Koopa.

"Ms. Toadette," the koopa said when I passed him by. Ring the execution bells...

I slowly turned around. "Yes, sir?"

"I just got word that we're going to have to do some revamps around here."

I felt a little better now. I mean, that sounded like an upper management problem, not an 'I'm just a lowly worker who works to keep up my house and parties at night' problem.

"You know our motto."

"I totally do. Drop it like it's hot." Wait, wrong one, Toadette! That was that song I heard in the club yesterday. Aww, man!

"The customer is always wet," he corrected.

I nodded and smiled. "Umm. Correct, sir. What does that have to do with the revamps?"

"Nothing! I was just testing you."

I nervously laughed. The jerk… He was walking away.

"Oh, and by the way," he said over his shoulder, "scribble out the word 'Father' on everything. It's all over Twatter how you guys are genderless."

The box almost slipped from my hand. I wasn't dreaming! "S-sir?! What will our sale be then?"

He shrugged. "Call it… 'Masculine identified person sale'. Yeah, it's long but it'll still sell. Use a red marker if you have to."

Once I picked my jaw up from the ground I got to it. Yeah, it was surreal but, like, it's just store adverts. It's no big deal. So I got that red marker and went to town on the coffee mug sign, on the mugs themselves, on the banners, on the footballs, on the socks, on the ties, on the sales papers, and in the dictionary. I had ridden the world of the word 'FATHER'!

Bwahahaha!

Or just the J.C Plumbers in the mall, whatever. My tummy was rumbling and it was time for the Girl Scouts, whatever they were called now, to arrive. I hope they still sold kickbutt sugary sweet cookies! YUM!

I went to the front of the store where I'd always meet with the scouts and 'help' so they'd let me 'borrow' a free box. They were such nice girls or, feminine identified people (I'm never getting used to that. Scratch it. I'm saying 'girls' and 'boys' and imagine me winking when saying that. Are you satisfied, extremely gendered English languages?! Good.)

I pushed open the front doors and saw.. An old 'man' with two 'boys'. ZOMG WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? They looked like the Boy Scouts!

The smallest toad with an orange cap and a bunch of little badges penned to his green-colored shirt blew a little kazoo. "Hello! We're the Unified Scouts of Mushroom Kingdom!"

I stared.

The oldest guy, their guardian scout I guessed, nodded. "Yes. Since that little announcement, we decided to randomize which scouts go to where. I mean, it's all the same."

"But- We've only ever had Girl Scouts selling cookies. What do you even sell?"

The other young scout held up a large big bag. "Popcorn!"

I wrinkled my nose. I mean, I like that too, but I NEEDED my sugar rush. I stomp the ground. "Aww, masculine-identified-person!"

It was downhill from there. Without the sugar I needed, I felt sluggish while doing the rest of my stocking work. Even my lunch sucked without the essential dessert portion missing. I went to my favorite Chai restaurant in the food court but it made no difference.

Later, when I was still on my break and coming out of the public bathroom in the mall I left the stall and saw Mario! I gasped.

He turned around casually. "Hey Toadette."

In an instant, I remembered. Yeah, it doesn't matter anymore… right? Wait, but it does. Mario is human. Er, right? "What are you doing here?"

Mario chuckled. "We had this meeting earlier and Professor-"

"Oh I was there alright."

"Really? Did you catch what we decided on at the end though?"

I blinked several times. "What?"

"Since toads are 99.9% of the Mushroom Kingdom's population and us humans 2.3%-"

"That doesn't add up."

"Oops. I'm not good at the smart genius math stuff. Point is, we're making stuff gender neutral since it's not gonna matter to you guys anyway. Did you notice that the boy's room was out of order?"

I started washing my hands. "I did. I just thought it was out of order because boys don't know how to take care of stuff. Sometimes I have to clean up at J.C. Plumbers. I know these things."

"No…" Mario stopped smiling. "...Well yes, but no. This is the new just regular public bathroom. Of course, private ones will still exist. I mean, the Princess did have to approve of this idea."

I was drying my hands with the towel and contemplating, I mean, for real. Share the room with ostensible guys? Yuck. Even worse I heard more guys, er excuse me, masculine toads were coming in. I got out there quick.

Check list: Get a private restroom. How will that work? Porta potty maybe? But how would that work indoors?

Back at work I had stuff up and going, my feet already dragging by midday. Five o'clock couldn't come sooner. I sped back home to find refreshing normalcy again. And sweet junk food…

The doorbell rung.

"Come in!" I said, mouth full of food.

The door opened and in came Captain Toad, or Stan, my boyfri- well. You know what I mean. Stan was suited up for exploration and covered in dust, dragging a bag with him through the door. Any other day I'd complained that he was getting the floor dirty but whatever.

"Hello Ms. Toadette. I just wanted to stop by."

"You can't say that now."

Stan dropped the back and looked confused. "I… can't?"

I shrugged. "Well you can to me. I don't care. I'd even be okay if I was still dreaming. But like, didn't you catch the news?"

He smiled again. "Yes. Bowser claimed we were all part dirt yesterday."

I threw another cookie in my mouth. Sweet chocolate covered yoshi cookie, please save me from this mixed up world! No? Well I'm glad I bit your head off. "Uh huh but it also turns out we're like, literal mushrooms or something."

He sat down beside me. "What difference does that make?"

I turned to him. "Very little and very much at the same time. Where have you been?"

"Oh yeah." He reached down into the back and brought out a large diamond with eyes. "The Eastern Mushroomlaya mountains since yesterday. Sorry I didn't call."

My eyes widened when I remembered something. Peach hadn't called about the girl's night yet, and she always did by the time I was home for work. I checked my phone and hadn't missed any messages. I excused myself from the den and went to my bedroom and called.

"Hello?" Peach said.

"Hello, Princess. Are we still doing stuff tonight with the others?"

There was a pause. "Oh shoot, Toadette. I'm so sorry. I thought I had called but I must have forgotten. I'm canceling girls night, forever."

"What?! I mean- Why, princess?"

"Well, It wasn't really fair anymore since there really isn't… well… umm.. I just thought it'd be kind of awkward now. But we can all hang out as a group still sometime. Doesn't that sound splendid?"

"Uh, right. Talk to you later." I was in a daze for a moment.

So this 'work in the day party at night' person formerly known as a toad girl would have to become a just 'work at day and do nothing all night'? Toad?

I tied my hair back, kicked open the closet, tied a bandanna around my head and let out a battle cry.

The rest of the night was spent taking down names and doing another thing that I needed Stan for. After all, he did keep a camera with him when on adventure treks.

The Next Day…

Hello, my name is Toadette, but don't let the name fool you, I'm just like any other toad. I get up early, scratch that, I'm supposed to get up early, everyday because I work at a major department store chain called J.C. Plumbers. I'm a friend to Mario and they even take me along on their zany adventures.

This morning however I not only got on time but earlier! Wait, does that still count as being on time if you're before… never mind. I got up, ate my usual unhealthy dietary choices and got dressed in a pink hoodie. Pulling the hood over my head I got in my cute little 'Birthday Feminine identified person' kart and head to the Mushroom Mall, specifically the food court.

Seated at the table near the DK ice cream shop, I saw the four people already there.

"Hey guys." I sat down.

"Hello Ms. Toadette. I'm pleased to see you," Captain Toad said.

"Capital! A wonderful and resourceful young lady." Toadsworth replied.

"I agree, bro. I love all of you dudes… and girls," Alagold said.

"Yep, I don't have anything to add, so I'll just agree!" Luigi said.

We were all teasing each other obviously. I laughed. I would miss these times, but we had to move on.

These were the people I could get on my plan. Stan was with me because like, he's my boyfriend but also English honorifics were really awkward when you tried to be gender neutral with them. Toadsworth was to quote 'too old for this mumbo jumbo' so he agreed to help. Alagold also had an issue with his verbal tic of 'bro' being outdated (though it arguably was even before then). Lastly, Luigi was really disturbed about the bathroom thing. Yep.

What could we do about the science of it all? Noting. We were taking a third option.

"Well this is it. You know the drill, hit the button then disperse into the crowd. Are our watches synchronized? Okay, let's go, team!"

We head to the floor-mounted screen that displayed adverts, you know Air Koopa shoes, Adidams stuff, Yoshimobile cellphones and etc. We left Toadsworth there, at five minutes till, he'd press a little hidden button on the underside to switch the stations. Next on the second level we had Alagold stand by another and Luigi by the one on the far side of the mall. Lastly, me and Stan head to some back employees-only areas.

One janitor back there looked at us funny.

"We work at J.C. Plumbers," I said quickly. "Umm, just getting some sponges. You know our motto. Heh.."

"Okay. I understand. Be careful back there, y'all!" he said to us as he wheeled a trash can away.

So Stan and I actually went to the security office, which I knew wouldn't be occupied at this time. Our security agent for the mall may have been a harder partyer than I. I peeked through the windows and it was dark. Awesome! Life is great.

The door wouldn't budge. It was locked.

This sucks! I hate life!

"Darling," Stan said as if he had read my mind. He laid a hand on my shoulder with one hand and kept turning the door knob with the other. After doing some kind of door code I heard a click and the door swung open.

"Sweet!" I walked inside. It kind of smelt in there like fast food but all of the monitors displaying locations all over the mall. I saw clothes stores, the food court and more.

"So this is where the guard guards things?" Stan asked, also looking around with me.

"That's debatable, like our gender," I smirked. I turned to a smaller display that was airing those advertisements and the cpu wasn't far from it. "This is it, Stan. Ready the flash drive."

Elsewhere in the mall…

People were starting flooding into the mall because department stores inside would be opening up for the Masculine identified persons day and these masculine identified people were accompanied by their feminine identified spouses and their children who were thankfully spared from having their pronouns changed overnight. When it was nine o' clock on the spot many stopped and paid attention to something playing on screens that weren't the typical advertisements. It was a pink toad saying, "Attention all Toad Town residents! Do not adjust your set."

Toadette wore a black leather jacket and stood before a starry sky background and looked very serious and introspective.

"Can mirror mode be real if our eyes aren't?

What really kills you when the timer runs out?

If you finish a level with a double cherry, which finishes the level, you or the copy?"

The entire building went silent in awe but the video still played. As if Toadette expected that she said, "Don't you see people? The world isn't black or white!" she explained, having transformed into one of those 'slam' poets suddenly.

The background behind her changed to explosions to be even more epic.

"That part was my idea.." Alagold chuckled at the light show before him on screen.

"How many worlds are there really in Super Mario Brothers? Eight? Or thirty-six? Or two-hundred fifty-six? Or is it all of the above?"

"I gave her that fact…" Luigi smiled to himself.

"Why is Peach a princess and not a queen?"

"Oh dear, I do hope that question is not traced to me," Toadsworth thought pensively.

"It is time to wake up! Realize our zany world for what it is! Don't resist the videogame logic, hand waves, and canon discontinuity! It's for kids is neither an insult nor an argument!" Toadette calmed down and was solemn again. "Most importantly, my people in all shapes and sizes, let the pasta be with you! This is Toadette, formerly known as the only female Toad in non RPGs signing off. Peace!"

Toadette did a 'v' sign and the videos abruptly switched back to ads.

The Next day...

Toadette woke up when she wanted to, namely because she was fired for tampering with mall property, but also because she overnight became a Twatter sensation. And so Toadette made millions as an internet philosopher, married Stan, had children, and then grandchildren, (though it was always awkward to explain which were the grandfather or mother since the answer was both subjectively and objectively both). Alagold, Toadsworth, and Luigi never made it as big, but they did get compensation for the famous quotes they contributed. Their sayings are still on motivation posters to this day. Bowser and his son tried to claim some credit by saying that their original accusations led up to all of this, and they were persistent too. However, a rumor popped up that Bowser was part Ox and Bowser Junior born by artificial means, which shut both up quickly before Prof Gadd could ever confirm it or not.

Toadette's only disappointment was that there never was another Mario Kart like Double Dash...

Included in the memorial was a picture of Toadette, old and satisfied in a nursing home. Her quote for the photo was:

"Yes, that's a photo of me at age 85 doing a peace sign in a wheelchair. Life was a wild ride! You can't always change hard facts, but you can make the most of it and maybe even make people change their perspective on things in life. Toadette signing off!"

THE END